


keep breathing

by bi_lovely



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blink and you'll miss it, Cheating, Depression, F/F, M/M, Nightmares, Non-binary character, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, alex is a defensive bi, brief abortion talk, domestic abuse, extreme rape warning, laf is non-binary, like v brief, the rape is not explicit but the entire story center around it, thomas is actually a softy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 15:02:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8406235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bi_lovely/pseuds/bi_lovely
Summary: When Alexander is raped by a stranger at a bar and the very last person he'd ever expect to come after him is the one who finds him lying on the ground, nothing is quite the same. Between the anxiety attacks and the nightmares, trying to figure out his attacker is, and realizing that maybe Thomas Jefferson isn't such a bad guy, his life is kind of falling apart at the seams.





	1. set my heart on fire

**Author's Note:**

> DO NOT READ THIS IF RAPE/NON-CON IS A SERIOUS TRIGGER FOR YOU PLEASE!!! 
> 
> This whole story centers around Alex's rape and his recovery and trying to figure out who assaulted him so if that bothers you pleasepleaseplease do what's best for you!!
> 
> Make sure you read over the tags if you're triggered by things like mental illnesses. More tags will be added as the story progresses. Several of the characters/relationships/tags listed do not come to pass in the first chapter and some may not for several chapters. 
> 
> ......other than all that enjoy the story :)

Alexander Hamilton was like a roller coaster. That’s what Thomas Jefferson told himself, anyway. 

Thomas rode his first roller coaster when he was eleven years old — he sobbed through the whole endeavor then stumbled away from the ride and puked into a nearby trashcan. So after that, he spent his teenage years telling anyone who asked that he  _ hated  _ roller coasters. He passed up school field trips to Six Flags and on family trips to Disney World he would wait on a nearby bench when his family would ride them. 

Years of his life were spent sitting by, lying in wait, always remembering the time he was aggressively sick after a ride on a roller coaster. 

And then one day, in college, he loses a bet to James Madison and he knows the price he has to pay and he curses himself for agreeing to it. He’s got to ride a roller coaster and when he’s sitting there, strapped tightly into a seat with his legs dangling beneath him, he feels terribly queasy. 

The ride starts to move and Thomas is sure he’s going to throw up or burst into tears or pass out or maybe all three at once. The ride is moving slowly up a steep incline, and he squints his eyes because the sun is hurting his head. 

They all go over the top of the incline, diving into a decline just as steep as sharp as the incline and Thomas screams bloody murder, reaching out to his right side for James to take his hand. He screams and screams and screams until he’s sure his head will explode —

— and then the track swoops out of the drop, shooting upwards into a series of loops and Thomas is aware he’s literally upside down. He feels suspended in mid-air and in a split second he goes from screaming to laughing. 

For as long as he could remember, he told everyone who asked him that he hated roller coasters, and here he is stumbling off his second roller coaster ride ever with a grin on his face and yelling at James to pick another one because he absolutely  _ had  _ to do that again!

Yeah. Alexander Hamilton was like a roller coaster.

***

“Let’s have another round tonight, boys!” Thomas Jefferson shouted. 

“Can I go home please?” Aaron Burr rolled his eyes, draining the last of his beer in one final gulp. 

“No! We’re celebrating!” Thomas cried. “Tell him, James!”

James Madison shrugged, “It  _ was  _ a very impressive win against Hamilton. I mean, Mr. Washington himself was on Hamilton’s side and we still convinced the board that our policy against discrimination was the better one — that’s pretty damn impressive.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Burr nodded, “it’s great and I’ve had two beers to celebrate, but it’s eleven o’clock and I have to be at the office at six in the morning.”

“Tomorrow is Saturday,” Thomas raised his eyebrows at Burr.

“Yeah, and we all know Hamilton is going to be there at the crack of dawn,” Burr said. “If you two were smart, you’d be going even earlier than I am — especially you, Jefferson — because you know he’s going to be ten times worse now that he’s lost.”

Thomas shook his head slowly, “Whatever.”

Someone leaned into the bar, squeezing into the small empty space beside Thomas. “Can I get for beers?” the slight man called to the bartender and the bartender headed over to the keg to get the beers. 

“Laurens!” Thomas exclaimed. 

John Laurens turned his head, eyebrows raised, and rolled his eyes, “Why are you here, Jefferson?”

“Celebrating!” Thomas grinned. “Your boy’s not looking so great now, is he?”

“Yeah, whatever,” John shrugged. “You know he’s going to make some kind of comeback and beat your ass sooner or later.” 

“We’ll see,” Thomas shrugged back. 

“Okay, Thomas, calm down,” James rolled his eyes. “Leave the guy alone.”

“Laurens,” Thomas said, “when are you and Hamilton going to admit you’re fucking each other?”   


John raised his eyebrows at Thomas, “Fuck off. I have a partner.”

Thomas snorted, “Why do you say ‘partner’ like we don’t know you’re dating a guy because you’re gay as fuck?”

John narrowed his eyes, “Yeah. I am. But my  _ partner _ is non-binary, asshat,” he slid several dollar bills across the bar as the bartender set the four beers he had ordered down in front of him. “Madison, Burr, I honestly don’t know why you continue to put up with this idiot,” John shook his head, still scowling. “See you around, Jefferson.”

Thomas watched as John retreated back to the booth in the far back corner of the bar where Hamilton and his crew always huddled together. 

“He’s almost as bad as Hamilton is,” Thomas huffed. 

“Thomas, you need to calm your shit, man,” James shook his head slowly. 

“I think I should get home,” Burr said, slapping money down on the counter. He left without any other word of goodbye and Thomas and James let him go in silence.

“Thomas, seriously,” James sighed heavily, shaking his head and finishing off another beer. “I know you’re not exactly Hamilton’s biggest fan, and you’re not too keen on his friends either, but you need to  _ try  _ to be a little more laid 

Thomas sighed, “Whatever.”

***

“Thomas Jefferson is the biggest asshole in the entire world!” John exclaimed when he returned to his friends and their booth with their third round of beer.

“Tell me something I don’t know!” Alex said. 

“Thomas Jefferson what we would call  _ une salope  _ in France,” Lafayette sighed and sipped their beer. 

John melted into Lafayette and wrapped his arms around them, “What’s that mean?”

“A bitch,” Alex shook his head.

“You could have just said it in English, man,” Hercules Mulligan rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. 

Thomas glared at Hercules, “ _ Casse-toi. _ ”

“Alex?” Hercules looked to his friend for translation. 

“Fuck off,” Alex said.

“Hey!” Hercules shouted at Lafayette. 

“Ugh,” Alex huffed, laying his head down on the table, “I can’t believe that piece of shit beat me. My anti-discrimination policy was  _ so  _ much better than his was!” 

“I know, Alex,” John sighed. “But at least the company has an anti-discrimination policy in place now, right?”

Alex just groaned. “But I want it to be  _ my  _ policy.”

Hercules and Lafayette rolled their eyes. 

Alex sighed, slowly straightening his spine, “I’ll be back. I’m going to the bathroom.”

“Okay,” John nodded. 

Alex headed across the bar, making his way through the maze of sweaty bodies and alcohol getting sloshed all over the place. The booth he and his friends always sat in was the one in the very back corner, furthest from just about everything else in the bar, so diving into the crowd to get to the bathroom or to the counter for a drink was quite a feat. 

Alex and John both had the advantage of being short and small in stature, easily able to weave their way in between people. Lafayette and Hercules were not so lucky. 

He spotted Jefferson sat at the bar beside James in passing and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes — at this point, it was just first nature to roll his eyes at Jefferson. 

_ Fucking Jefferson _ , Alex thought in annoyance.  _ Fucking Jefferson and freaking Madison and goddamn Burr and their dumbass policy. Mine is better! _

He scrubbed his hands, huffing and swearing beneath his breath. He looked into the the bathroom mirror hanging above the long vanity and saw a man with a sharp goatee and a rounded nose standing behind him.

“Um, hi,” Alex said awkwardly, drying his hands on paper towels and throwing them away. 

“Hello,” the man said, drawing out the  _ o  _ moving toward Alex. 

“Uh, can I help you?” Alex raised his eyebrows at the guy who was getting uncomfortably close. 

“Yeah I bet’cha can, b’tiful,” the man said drunkenly, words slurred together and close to incomprehensible. He took another step toward Alex and Alex quickly stepped away. 

“I’m going to go now,” Alex said, side stepping his way past the man and making way toward the door. 

The man reached out and wrapped a hand around Alex’s wrist, holding onto him tightly. “Where d’ya think ya goin’, g’rgeous?”

“Let go of me,” Alex snapped at the stranger. 

The man laughed, pulling him in closer, pressing his body against Alex’s. 

Alex tried to get away from him, did his best to yank his hand away, but the strange man only grabbed onto his other wrist and pulled him in even closer. 

“Wha’s yer name?” the man purred in Alex’s ear. 

Alex gritted his teeth and made another attempt to rip himself away from the man but he only got himself pinned to this guy’s side, being dragged from the bathroom. 

“Stop, stop!” Alex cried. “ _ Stop!  _ Let go of me!”

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Alex was being dragged across the bar by this man he’d never seen before in his life through a crowd of sweaty drunk people and not one person turned their head, no one thought that maybe this wasn’t right, not a single person stepped up to stop this man. 

Alex gasped when cold air hit his face and he looked up to see that the stranger had dragged him out into an alleyway. 

The stranger pushed Alex up against the side of the bar in the alleyway, pressing himself as firmly against Alex’s body as he could manage. He ghosted his lips over Alex’s mouth and Alex inhaled the strong smell of alcohol and tobacco. 

“Let me go,” Alex hissed, in between coughs and choked back sobs. “Let me  _ go! _ ” 

“Wha’s yer name?” the stranger asked again, nuzzling his face against Alex’s cheek. 

“Please,” Alex said and he cursed the way his voice shook, cursed the way his breath got caught in his throat and tears that began to fall. “Please! Let me go!”   
  


The stranger growled, low and dangerous, and ripped the hair out of Alex’s hair, working his fingers into his long dark hair to grip tightly and slam Alex’s head back against the brick wall, eliciting a sharp scream from Alex.

“ _ What’s your name?! _ ” he yelled, his words much clearer now in his anger. 

Alex swallowed hard, tried to fight the tears that kept on coming, “A-Alexander,” he stammered out, barely above a whisper.

“ _ Alexander, _ ” the stranger cooed as he licked a stripe up Alex’s neck while also undoing his jeans, (“No, no, no, no no no no no no no!” Alex sobbed, trying and failing to fight him. “Stop!  _ Stop!  _ Please!”). “Alexander, we are going to have so much fun.”

***

Thomas was halfway through a sentence when he spotted Hamilton racing through the crowd with a man he didn’t recognize. He squinted in confusion, wondering if that at all right. Was it just him, or did Hamilton look like he didn’t want to be with that man at all?

“Hello?” James said, waving his hand in front of Thomas’s face. “Earth to Thomas!”

“Right, sorry,” Thomas shook himself out of his trance. “So anyway, then Adams called Burr into his office…” and he told the story, but he told it all on autopilot. Meanwhile his mind was working at a hundred miles per minute, trying to figure out if Hamilton was okay. 

Why he should care, he wondered about that for a minute but he shook his head. Contrary to what Alexander Hamilton might believe, Thomas  _ was  _ a person like any other with a conscience and a heart. He wasn’t  _ actually  _ made of steel.

“Thomas, are you okay?” James asked. 

“Hm?” Thomas pulled himself from the depths of his own thoughts again and nodded quickly. “Oh, yeah. Of course. I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

James shrugged, “Don’t know. You look really pale, that’s all.”

“Oh,” Thomas said slowly.

He began to look around soon, trying to spot where Hamilton’s friends were — because Thomas and Hamilton  _ certainly  _ weren’t friends, so it wasn’t their job to look out for one another, right? That was a job for Hamilton’s friends. 

Thomas spotted the booth where they usually resided across the room and found that instead of four people it held only two. Obviously Hamilton was one of the group who was missing, but where was Mulligan? 

_ Maybe he went looking for Hamilton,  _ Thomas told himself.  _ Yeah, that makes sense.  _

So he told himself that he could stop worrying about a man that he didn’t even like — a man that he  _ despised  _ — but it wasn’t like that reassurance was going to work or anything. 

Thomas drained the rest of what was in his glass before he said, “I’ll be right back,” and without waiting for James to respond he set his glass down on the counter and stood, making his way through the thick crowd and heading in the direction he’d seen Hamilton and the mystery man going. 

There were two doors, not too far ahead of him, and one led to the office so he doubted Hamilton was in there. And the other door led out into the alleyway. 

Thomas stared at the door. He didn’t know how long he stared at it for, maybe seconds or maybe minutes, but he just stared at it and prayed that everything was okay on the other side before  _ finally  _ pushing the door open to step out into the alleyway. 

What Thomas found on the other side of the door was certainly  _ not  _ okay.

A man, whose face Thomas couldn’t see as it was hidden beneath a hood, was standing over Hamilton. Thomas gaze wandered downward to Hamilton who was curled up on his side on the cold concrete, the sleeves of his grey sweater rolled up to reveal dark bruises around his wrists that matched the ones on his cheek. There were a few dark hickey adorning his neck, his face was wet with tears, and his hair that was free of its usual ponytail was sticking to his face. His jeans were pulled all the way up, but they were undone. 

“What the fuck?!” Thomas bellowed and the hooded figure turned and ran before Thomas could grab him or get a glimpse of his face, and he really should have chased him but instead he dropped to the ground to make sure Hamilton was breathing. 

He was whimpering, clutching the back of his head, and he was shaking. 

“Are you okay?” Thomas asked and he didn’t mean for the tone of genuine concern to seep into his voice but there it was. 

Alex whimpered again and fresh tears began to drip from his eyes. 

“Okay, okay,” Thomas nodded, “stupid question.” He frowned, “Can I — do you want me to zip up your jeans up?”

Alex shuddered, squeezed his eyes shut, but he nodded. He flinched away for a moment when Thomas reached for the zipper, but he drew a deep breath and did his best to remain calm while Thomas closed his jeans. 

“Okay, it’s going to be okay,” Thomas whispered reassuringly. He gently pulled Alex’s hand from the back of his head to find it covered in blood. “Ah, shit,” Thomas hissed. 

Alex choked out a strangled sob. 

Thomas never thought he’d pity his adversary for any reason, but here he was with tears streaming down his face and snot running from his nose and Thomas was absolutely certain that someone had just —

He couldn’t even finish the thought, he felt sick. 

Thomas helped Alex into a sitting position as gently and cautiously as he could. “Do you think you can stand up?” he asked softly. 

Alex opened his mouth to speak, swayed for a moment, then leaned away from Thomas and began to vomit. 

“Okay, okay,” Thomas said while he pulled Alex’s tangled hair away from his face. He held Alex’s hair in one hand while the other rubbed circles into his back soothingly. “It’s going to be okay.”

Alex vomited more aggressively than Thomas had ever seen anyone do, his stomach convulsing so violently that his entire body writhed every time he through up. 

Thomas was worried. Sure he may hate this guy with all of his being, down to his very soul, but he couldn’t help being  _ worried  _ about him. He didn’t know how bad that blood coming from the back of Hamilton’s head was so he didn’t know if he was throwing up because he had a concussion or because it was just a natural reaction to what had happened to him. 

When Alex stopped, seemingly a while later, he slowly sat back up, shaking harder than before. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Thomas said again, because he thought that if he just kept saying it and saying it then maybe it would be true. “I’m going to help you stand now, okay? We’re going to find Laure— John.”

Alex nodded slowly and he let himself be pulled to his feet, let himself be supported and half-carried to the door. 

Thomas’s heart ached at the sight of Alexander Hamilton, a man who despised him more than anyone else ever had, clung to him like his life depended on it. Hamilton, a man who would go out of his way to tell Thomas how stupid and arrogant he was, was letting Thomas lead him through the thick crowd in the bar. 

“There they are,” Thomas said and Hamilton, still shaking and whimpering, looked up. “Laur— John, and Lafayette, they’re right there. We’re almost there.”

“Alexander?” John looked up with wide eyes when Thomas and Alex were approaching the booth. “Alexander!” he shouted, jumping up and hurrying toward them. “I swear to  _ fucking  _ god, Jefferson,  _ what did you do?! _ ” 

“I didn’t do anything!” Thomas defended.

“What do you mean you didn’t do anything?! Look at him!” John bellowed angrily, prying Alex from Thomas’s arms and hugging him tightly. 

“Jefferson,” Lafayette narrowed his eyes, “what did you do?” he asked sharply. 

“I didn’t do anything, I swear!” Thomas shouted back at him. “I found him in the alleyway, someone attacked him.”

“‘Someone’?” Lafayette raised his eyebrows. 

“It wasn’t him,” Alex spoke for the first time since Thomas had found him in the alley. His voice was hoarse and broken. “It wasn’t — wasn’t him.”

John frowned, “Who was it?”

Alex shook his head, “I don’t — I can’t — I don’t know who he is.”

“Okay, sshhh, it’s okay,” John held him a little closer. “What did he did to you, Alexander?”

Alex whined, and buried his face in John’s neck. 

“Alex, did he —”

“Don’t say it,” Alex said sharply, but his voice shook. “Please."

John nodded, “Okay. Let’s go.”

“Home,” Alex said softly. 

“Soon, Alex, but we’ve got to go to the police station first,” John said gently. 

“I think we should to the hospital, actually,” Thomas spoke up. 

John looked up at him, glaring, “And why should we take anything you say into consid—”

“The back of his head is bleeding,” Thomas crossed his arms, “and he threw up. Could be a pretty serious concussion.”

“Jefferson is right, John,” Lafayette said softly. “Come on, we need to get him to the hospital. I will call for a cab.” They turned to Thomas, “You should come with us. The police will likely be contacted from the hospital and they will want to speak with you.”

“Yeah,” Thomas nodded. “I’ve just got to go and tell James I’m leaving, I’ll meet you out there.”

He didn’t offer much of an explanation to James, just said that he had to leave immediately and that he’d explain everything later, then hurried out to the curb where a cab was pulling up. 

“Hercules,” Thomas heard Alex say as he was walking up to him, John, and Lafayette. 

“He went home,” John said in a gentle voice. “We’ll call him.”

Lafayette got into the front seat beside the driver and told the man they needed to get to the nearest hospital while John helped Alex into the backseat. Thomas slid in beside Alex, shutting the door just before the cab sped off. 

John buckled Alex’s seatbelt for him while Alex sat there, staring blankly ahead. 

Alex’s eyes fell shut and he let himself fall sideways into John, curling his body inward toward his friend’s. He was still shaking, and the man who never  _ ever  _ shut up had said all of ten words since Thomas found him lying in the alleyway.

Thomas cursed himself for not going after him sooner. 

***

Alex was floating in the absolute worst of ways. It was like he was moving through water, body completely submerged, just below the surface of the gentle waves. 

He was struggling, trying to escape, trying to breathe some air back into his lung but he was drowning. He was screaming and screaming but no one seemed to hear him, no noise at all seemed to be escaping him. 

Alex could still feel him holding his wrists, he could still feel him in between his legs and on his tongue and down his throat. He tasted the salt on his lips, felt the bruises on his face and the bite marks on his neck. 

He wanted to scrub away the dried tears that stained his cheeks, wanted to wash the blood out of his hair, wanted to rinse off every inch of himself down to his bones, but he couldn’t move. 

He was so hurt, he was in so much pain, but at the same time he felt so numb. 

***

“It’s not a concussion,” the doctor assured John, Lafayette, and Thomas. “Throwing up was likely just his body’s way of reacting to what he just went through. And we had him tested — standard procedure after a sexual assault — and he’s completely clean. That, at least, is lucky.”

John glared and opened his mouth to speak but to his and Lafayette’s great surprise, Thomas beat him to the punch. 

“I don’t think that ‘lucky’ is at all appropriate right now,” Thomas snapped. 

The doctor frowned, “Right,” he sighed, “I’m very sorry.”

None of them said anything. 

“The police are here,” the doctor told them, “and they’d like to speak with Mr. Hamilton immediately before any of the details in his head become fuzzy. They need to speak with you, as well, Mr. Jefferson, so if you could please head into Mr. Hamilton’s room.” 

John glared at Thomas one last time before turning sharply and forcing himself not to stomp as he headed down the hall to the nearest waiting area. 

“John is very — how you say —  _ temperamental, _ ” Lafayette frowned. “We will be here when you are done… Thank you, by the way. For going after him. I wish I had seen, I wish I could have done something —”

“It’s not your fault that you didn’t see him,” Thomas shook his head. “You were on the opposite side of the bar, there’s no way you could have noticed him.” He may have hated Hamilton and all of his friends, but the idea of Lafayette feeling guilty for what happened to Alex was ridiculous (then again, Thomas’s own feelings of guilt for what happened to Alex were probably pretty ridiculous too). 

Lafayette nodded once before turning and heading down the hall toward John. 

Thomas drew in a deep breath before turning in the opposite directing and stepping into Hamilton’s hospital room. 

Alex had already gotten to change back into his clothes. He was fiddling with the hospital band that was wrapped around his wrist and he looked like he wanted to rip the clothes off of his body; he looked like he was just  _ itching  _ to rip his own skin off.

“Hey,” Thomas said.

Alex didn’t say anything, he didn’t even look at Thomas, and the silence was more disconcerting than anything else. Alex was bruised and broken and looked so  _ numb  _ but the most disturbing thing of all was that this man who refused to shut up for more than a few seconds at a time couldn’t seem to string more than a few words together in his best moments, and couldn’t manage to speak at all at his worst.

A woman stepped into the room and asked Thomas to have a seat so he did. She sat down and pulled out a pen and small notebook. “Mr. Hamilton, I’m Officer DeBose. Is it okay if I ask you a couple of questions?”

Alex offered only a small nod in response. 

“You were at Joe’s Bar in Manhattan when the attack took place, correct?” Officer DeBose asked and Alex nodded. “Where were you initially approached by your attacker?” 

“The bathroom,” Alex said shortly. 

“And what did he do?” Officer DeBose asked. 

“He —” Alex began, then paused and took a moment to compose himself, doing his best not to burst into tears again, “ — he grabbed me a-and dragged me through the bar to the alleyway.”

“Then what happened?” Officer DeBose prompted. 

“He — he —” Alex bit his lip, shook his head, “ — I can’t —” 

Thomas wanted so badly to intervene, wanted so badly to say that he’d been through enough that night without having to live through it all again.

“Just try to stay calm,” Officer DeBose instructed gently, “breathe deeply. I know it’s hard to relive, but believe me when I say that any small detail you can give us can and will help us to find this man.”

Alex swallowed thickly, nodded, and continued, “He held me against the wall, he slammed my head back against the wall, and then he — he —” he squeezed his eyes shut, “he  _ undressed  _ me,” he said and his breath caught in his throat as he did all he could to choke back a sob. 

Thomas frowned, the feeling of sickness quickly returning to his stomach. 

“H-he turned me around then,” Alex said shakily, “and he — he — h-he — I can’t —” 

“You don’t have to,” Thomas said at least, because  _ goddamn  _ he’d been through enough. Alex looked to him in surprise. “You don’t have to say it.”

Alex stared at him for a while before nodding slowly, “So he — yeah.” He wiped unshed tears from his eyes.

“Anything else?” Officer DeBose questioned. 

“He —” Alex breathed in slowly and deeply, “he made me get on my knees and he — but that’s it. Then he was going to — going to just leave me there on the ground, and Jeffer— Thomas came out into the alleyway.”

“Can you tell me what you remember about his appearance?” Officer DeBose asked gently. “Anything at all?”

Alex frowned, shaking his head, “No. No, I don’t know why but I can’t remember a thing about what he looked like. Why —” 

“It’s perfectly normal,” Officer DeBose assured him, “to have lapses in your memory after suffering a serious trauma. Don’t worry.” She turned to Thomas, “Do you remember what he looked like?”

Thomas frowned, “I didn’t see his face. He had his hood up when I got there and then,” he shook his head, “he ran.”

“Okay,” Officer DeBose nodded. “Thank you very much for your time. If either of you remember anything else — anything at all — contact the police station and just ask for me. I’m going to get started on this case right away.”

“Thank you, Officer,” Thomas said. 

***

Reliving it was hell. 

Alexander Hamilton was a man of many, many words so struggling to find the right ones for any reason at all was an absolute horror for Alex. 

But reliving those memories, so recent, so fresh in his mind. He could  _ still _ feel the stranger between his legs and in his mouth and holding him down. He could see him clearly in his head. 

Of  _ course _ he remembered what the man looked like — he  _ wished  _ he could forget that face that was embedded into his mind, most likely permanently. 

He couldn’t admit to it, though. He wouldn’t tell an artist in perfect detail what that horrible man looked like even if he could because if his face was put out there, then that  _ terrible  _ man would know exactly where it came from. 

He knew his name, for god’s sake. 

He would know it came from  _ Alexander _ .

***

When Alex came back to himself, he was being discharged from the hospital. He didn’t remember leaving his room, he didn’t remember being led out to the front of the hospital, but suddenly there he was with John’s hands laid on his shoulders.

“Do you want us to come back to the apartment with you?” John asked. “Laf and I can stay the night if you want.”

“No, it’s fine,” Alex shook his head. “I don’t want to be a burden.”

“You are not a burden, Alexander,” Lafayette shook their head. “You are never a burden.”

“No, really, enjoy your weekend together,” Alex said. “You both work all week and you only get to see each other on the weekends. Go enjoy one another.”

“Alex, it’s no problem, we —” John began but Alex just shook his head again. “Okay. How about we call Hercules, then? He can meet you there and stay with you tonight.”

“No, it’s three thirty in the morning,” Alex sighed and shook his head. “Don’t wake him up just for me.”

“You do not need to worry about asking for help,” Lafayette said. “We are all here for you.”

“John, Laf,” Alex sighed again, “I love you both very much and I really appreciate what you’re trying to do —  _ really _ , I do — but if I’m being totally honest, I think I just need to be alone tonight.”

“Okay, as long as you’re sure,” John said. “Don’t be afraid to call us if you change your mind, alright? We’re here for you.  _ Really _ .”

Alex nodded, “I know, thank you.”

“Do you want us to at least ride back to the apartment with you?” John said. “Just to make sure you get back okay?”

“No, go enjoy your night,” Alex said, and turned, “I think Jefferson can handle getting me back to the apartment.  _ Right? _ ”

Thomas tilted his head curiously, but nodded, “Of course.”

John glared at Thomas, “Are you sure, Alex? We’ll leave you alone tonight if you want, but we can bring you home first. It’s no trouble.”

Alex turned back to John, and shook his head. “No, John, it’s fine,” he said. He leaned in and hugged John tightly, “Thanks, anyway,” he said before letting go and hugging Laf too. 

“Okay,” John sighed. “Text me when you get home. And call me when you get up tomorrow, okay?”

“I will,” Alex nodded, “I promise. Night.”

“Night,” John said. 

“Goodnight, Alexander,” Lafayette said and after Alex had turned away from them they exchanged a worried glance with John. 

***

Alex sent a quick text to John when he walked through the front door of his apartment saying that he was home and he was safe. He then threw his phone down onto the couch and drew in a shaky breath. 

“Hamilton?”

Right. Jefferson was with him. 

“Hamilton?” Thomas said again. 

“Help me,” Alex croaked. 

Thomas paused, “Come again?”

“ _ Help me! _ ” Alex cried, tearing at his jacket. “Please! I need — I need it off — oh my god — I need — oh  _ god  _ —” 

“Okay, okay,” Thomas strode forward, “Hamilton, listen to me, okay? Tell me what to do for you and I’ll do it, okay?” And  _ that  _ certainly wasn’t a sentence he thought he’d ever say. 

“Just — just — I need to burn the — the clothes — I need — I —” Alex threw his jacket to the ground and reached to rip his shirt off. 

“Okay,” Thomas said slowly. “Hamilton?”

Alex wasn’t listening to him, but Thomas’s horror he  _ was  _ moving to take his pants off right there in the middle of the living room. 

“Whoa! Hamilton!” Thomas said and when he still got no response he shouted, “ _ Alexander! _ ” 

Alex froze and looked up at him.

Thomas sighed, “Alright, just listen, okay? Get some fresh clothes, then take a shower and get changed, and then I’ll take these clothes, okay? I’ll get rid of them and I swear to you, you will never see them again.”

Alex swallowed hard, but he nodded. 

“Okay, go ahead,” Thomas said gently. He watched Alex turn and go into his bedroom, watched him come back out with a bundle of new clothes in his arms, and waited until he heard the shower turn on to pick up the jacket and shirt that were lying in a heap on the floor. 

He looked around in the kitchen, going through all the drawers and cupboards before he finally found the a plastic bag that he shoved the clothes into. 

Thomas sighed heavily, went back into the living room and dropped the bag onto the ground, and looked around, unsure of what to do. 

He couldn’t quite comprehend just how he came to be here in his arch enemy’s apartment at nearly four in the morning while said arch enemy was showering, feeling like it was weird to just stand in the middle of the living room but weirder to sit on Alexander Hamilton’s couch. He  _ could  _ understand it, could understand  _ why,  _ but he couldn’t bare to think about Hamilton laying on the concrete all beaten and bruised, mind broken. 

_ Mind broken.  _

The thought of Alexander Hamilton’s mind being broken sent a shiver up Thomas’s spine that he just couldn’t justify. How many times had he wished for Hamilton’s mind to break so that he’d get the fuck out of Thomas’s way. 

He  _ wished  _ for something terrible to happen to him over and over again, and then it had. 

Add that to the list of reasons the thought of Alexander Hamilton now made a sense of dread pool in his stomach. 

***

Alex was scrubbing shampoo into his hair so hard he was reasonably certain that he was scratching skin off of his scalp. He just wanted the blood out of his hair and even though the water had run clear several minutes ago, he still couldn’t seem to stop. 

He scrubbed at the bruises and bites covering his face and neck until they were burning, turned the water up as hot as it would go so that it was scalding. He scrubbed  _ aggressively  _ at every place the stranger had touched him,

He was drowning. He couldn’t pull himself out of the water and the ocean he was trapped in was slowly crushing him. 

***

Alex brought the rest of his clothes to Thomas when he got out of the shower. Thomas shoved them into the plastic bag with the rest then tied it in a knot, dropped it by the door, and promised he would bring it with him when he left. 

“Can you put my hair up?” Alex asked in a small voice. “I tried to do it, but my hands —” he held up his hands that wouldn’t stop shaking, “ — I can’t do it.”

Thomas nodded slowly and took the elastic that Alex was holding. He combed Alex’s wet hair into a pony tail with his hands and secured the elastic into place. 

“Thanks,” Alex said to Thomas and it felt weird to receive any sort of gratitude from Hamilton. “Not just for the hair, I mean — I mean  _ thank you  _ for everything you did tonight.”

Thomas nodded slowly once more. “I — of course.” 

Alex didn’t say anything more for a while, but eventually told Thomas, “I’m going to bed now.”

“Okay,” Thomas nodded. “Do you want me to leave now?”

Alex bit his lip, “Could you stay? Please? Just until I fall asleep.”

Thomas nodded but before Alex could turn and go to bed Thomas asked, “You don’t want to be alone, do you?”

Alex shook his head, “No, I  _ can’t  _ be alone tonight. Not after —” he didn’t finish that sentence.

“Why did you tell Laurens and Lafayette that you wanted to be alone?” Thomas asked, head tilted. “They’re your friends, right? They wouldn’t care if you wanted them to stay with you. They  _ told you  _ they don’t mind.”

“I don’t want to be a burden to them,” Alex shook his head. “And no matter how many times they tell me I’m not, I don’t believe it. And I really don’t want them to see me like this… But you already hate me, so what difference does it make?”

Thomas wanted to protest, wanted to say that he didn’t  _ hate  _ him but he couldn’t do that because he’d  _ told him  _ straight his face hundreds of times that he did (just as Hamilton had told him that he hates him). So he just remained silent and watched Alex disappear into his bedroom. 

Thomas sat down on the couch and listened closely, waited to hear the change in Alex’s breathing that would tell him he was asleep and eventually, a while later, he did. 

He stood to go but somehow, for whatever reason, he didn’t feel right leaving him on his own. Even though he was asleep now and oblivious to the world around him, Thomas wanted Alex to feel safe after everything he’d gone through that night. 

**So Thomas sat back down and grabbed a throw pillow to lay his head down on and he went to sleep hoping that he’d wake up and everything would be back to normal. **


	2. a little help from my friends

Alex woke and wondered for a moment why he was aching and sore all over before the memories of the night before came rushing back to him. 

He sighed out a shuddering breath and slowly sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He picked up his phone to check the time and found that it was 7:30, which meant he’d only been asleep for about three hours. 

He would have been content to sleep the day away but he knew himself better than that. He knew there was no way he’d be able to fall asleep now, especially not with his mind racing even faster than usual. 

Alex swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood, shivering, so he grabbed his grey sweater and pulled it on over what he was wearing. Then, with his arms wrapped around himself, he walked out into the living room. 

He jumped about a foot into the air when he spotted someone fast asleep and snoring lightly on his couch, and he was ready to bolt for his phone and call the police but a second later he realized it was Thomas Jefferson. 

“THOMAS JEFFERSON, WHAT THE  _ FUCK  _ ARE YOU DOING SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?!” Alex yelped. 

Thomas screeched and fell off the couch with a loud thud. “What the hell, Hamilton? What time is it?” he groaned.

“WHY ARE YOU ON MY COUCH, YOU MACARONI FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH?!” 

Thomas got to his feet, “Hey! You  _ asked me  _ to stay here!”

“Until I fell asleep!” Alex shouted. 

“Well, I didn’t want to leave you alone, okay?!” Thomas yelled back at him. “You  _ clearly  _ didn’t feel safe being alone and you wouldn’t call your fucking friends who fucking  _ said  _ they didn’t mind staying with you so I had to do what was best for you, you son a bitch!”

Alex rolled his eyes, “ _ Whatever _ .”

“How are you feeling?”

“What?”

“ _ How are you feeling? _ ” 

“Why do you care?”

“Who says I do?” Thomas crossed his arms. 

Alex glared at him, “I feel like shit, thanks for asking. Make me breakfast.”

_ Well, at least he’s got an appetite _ , Thomas thought before he walked into the kitchen and saw the time displayed on the stove. 

“ALEXANDER HAMILTON, IT IS SEVEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING!” Thomas bellowed. “WHY THE  _ FUCK  _ ARE YOU AWAKE?! YOU’VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR ALL OF THREE HOURS! GO BACK TO BED, HOLY FUCK!”

“Shut up,” Alex said and collapsed into a chair at the kitchen table. “Make me breakfast.”

Thomas huffed but he opened the fridge and pulled out the eggs and the cheese. “Talk to me, Hamilton,” he sighed when he was heating up the pan, “how are you feeling? Really.”

“Like shit, I already told you that,” Alex said. 

Thomas sighed, “That’s it? Any nightmares? Any —”

“Listen, Jefferson, you’re just about the last person I want to talk to about any of this,” Alex raised his eyebrows at Thomas. “Why do you care? Seriously?”

“I  _ am  _ the one who found you,” Thomas said and Alex shifted uncomfortably. Thomas sighed, “I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t talk about it. It’s too soon, I’ll st—”

“Actually, why  _ did  _ you come after me?” Alex asked, arms crossed and head tilted curiously. 

Thomas hesitated, frowning deeply, but eventually said,“I saw you get dragged across the bar,” he sighed and flipped the eggs in the pan. “I know I should have come sooner, but I didn’t know if I was just being stupid.”

“Okay, that’s great and all, but  _ why? _ ” Alex said. 

“I had a really bad feeling about it,” Thomas said. “That’s all. There’s nothing else that made me think that that guy was bad news.”

“Okay, but  _ why? _ ” Alex huffed. “Why would you come after me? Why would you try to rescue me? You  _ hate  _ me, we hate each other — it’s what we do.”

Thomas stared at him for a long time before shaking his head, turning back to the stove and sprinkling the cheese over the eggs. “You’re a bigger idiot than I thought, Hamilton,” was the only answer he offered to Alex’s question. 

Alex rolled his eyes but didn’t push the matter any further.

Thomas set two plates down on the table then sat down across from Alex. They ate in silence — very awkward silence, that is — and when they were done Thomas took the plates away and washed them. 

“So tell me,” Thomas said as he sat back down across from Alex, “why are you so determined to let your friends live their lives without helping you? I know you said you don’t want to feel like a burden or whatever but  _ come on _ , man, they  _ insisted  _ that they didn’t mind coming to stay here. They  _ wanted  _ to be here for you.”

“They’ve got their own shit going on,” Alex shook his head. “They don’t need mine as well.”

“This is some pretty big shit,” Thomas said which earned him a glare from Alex, “Fine. What have  _ they  _ got going on?”

Alex frowned, “John’s father found out he’s dating Laf.”

“And?” Thomas raised his eyebrows. “So what?”

Alex sighed, “John’s father is a very conservative, religious, republican governor from the South.”

“Oh,” Thomas frowned. 

“Yeah,” Alex sighed. “I believe John said that he regards the day gay marriage was legalized in all fifty states as ‘the worst day to come about our country since September eleventh of 2001’.”

“Jesus Christ,” Thomas rolled his eyes. “It’s guys like him that give the South a bad reputation.”

“Uh, no, the South gives itself a bad reputation,   


“Shut the fuck up,” Thomas rolled his eyes. “Wait… Laurens… Is John’s father  _ Henry Laurens? _ The governor of South Carolina?”

“The very same,” Alex said with a tone of distaste. “I’ve only met him once — thank  _ god  _ — and he hates me.”

“Well, that’s not saying very much seeing as I hate you,” Thomas shrugged and Alex rolled his eyes. “He hates you because you’re gay right?”

“I’m bisexual, actually, but thank you for making assumptions,” Alex raised his eyebrows, “and no, he hates me because I’m an immigrant.”

“Ah,” Thomas nodded. “That’ll do it. Yeah, that guy’s a douche. He came to Virginia years ago, before he was the governor of South Carolina, and he was just so rude to everyone he met.”   


“Yeah, that sounds like him,” Alex sighed and shook his head. “Whatever. I’ll probably never see him again. I just wish John could cut him out.”

“Why can’t he?” Thomas asked. 

“His father is paying for his student loans,” Alex frowned. “Which is the big issue with him finding out John is gay. He’s threatening to stop paying for them.”

“Oh,” was all Thomas could think to say. “I guess I should get going,” he told Alex. “Unless you need me for anything?”

“No, you’ve served your purpose,” Alex crossed his arms. “You may go.”

Thomas snorted. “Thanks a bunch. I just  _ love  _ your generosity,” he huffed and made to leave the kitchen, thinking that Hamilton was a hell of a lot more pleasant when he wasn’t talking so much, when he wasn’t being a piece of —

“Jefferson,” Alex said and Thomas didn’t even bother to look at him so he said, “ _ Thomas _ .”

Thomas froze, turned his head and looked at him. “Yes?”

Alex frowned and he looked down at his hands. “Please don’t — please don’t forget the clothes. I need them gone.”

Thomas’s expression softened and he sighed, nodded, “I won’t. I’ll get rid of them.”

Alex swallowed hard and nodded back to him, “Thank you,” he said in a small voice.

“Yeah,” Thomas said. “Of course. No problem.” And then he was gone.

Alex dragged himself to his feet and padded across the kitchen, into the living room, and into his bedroom to retrieve his phone. He had one text message. 

**_From MyDearLaurens:_ ** _ remember to call when you wake up. i need to know you’re ok. _

Alex drew in a deep breath before opening John’s contact information and pressing the call button. John picked up before the first ring had even run its course. 

“Alex, hi!” John said and in the background Alex could hear Lafayette say, “John, my love, let him breathe.”

“Hey, John,” Alex said. 

“How are you feeling?” John asked. 

Just as he was about to answer, his reply to Thomas —  _ Like shit  _ — rang through his head, then he said, “I’m okay.”

“Do you want us to come over?” John asked. 

“That’d be nice, actually,” Alex sighed. 

“Okay, we’ll be over in like twenty minutes, alright?” John said. “We’re going to stop and get you some Starbucks, ‘kay?”

Alex smiled, “Yeah, that sounds really good right about now. Thanks.”

“Of course,” John said. “Do you want any breakfast?”

“I actually already ate,” Alex said.

There was a moment of silence before John said, “Okay… Sounds fake… But okay.”

Alex laughed, “No, I swear I did.”

“Alright, alright,” John said. “I’m trusting you, man. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Yeah, see you soon,” Alex said and when John had hung up he sighed heavily. 

None of this surprised him. He had always been very good at acting as if he wasn’t falling apart at the seams. 

***

Thomas collapsed onto his couch with a heavy huff, running his fingers through his curly hair. He leaned his head back, closed his eyes, and let his mind skim over everything that happened to him in the last twelve hours. 

He sat up again, checked his phone for the time to find it was nearing nine in the morning. He set his phone down, sighed, and headed to the kitchen as he seriously debated getting drunk this early in the day. He opened up the fridge, telling himself he wouldn’t  _ really  _ do that, but then he grabbed the bottle of red wine that sat toward the front of the fridge. 

“One glass can’t hurt, can it?” Thomas asked himself aloud as he poured himself a glass of wine. But one turned into two, and two turned into three, and he was certainly buzzed.

He glanced at the clock and found that it was only ten so, reluctantly, he put the wine away and put the glass in the sink.

Thomas was just about to head upstairs and go to sleep, but just as he’d set his foot down on the first step, his doorbell began to ring persistently. 

Thomas groaned but went to the front door and swung it open to find James standing on his doormat. “Hi?”

“Thomas,” James glared at him. “I have called you  _ seven times _ . I’ve texted you like  _ fifty  _ times! What the hell, man?!”

“Sorry, I — I didn’t have my phone on me,” Thomas frowned,  _ I was trying to get drunk before noon,  _ he added in his head. 

“Well, you’ve got some fucking explaining to do!” James threw his arms out in exasperation. He strode past Thomas into his house, shaking his head, “You leave the bar without explanation, you just say you’ve got to go, then you don’t pick up your phone, and now you smell like alcohol at ten in the morning! What the  _ fuck  _ happened at the bar?!” 

Thomas walked into the kitchen with James following closely at his heels. 

“Dude!” James shouted when Thomas didn’t answer. 

Thomas crossed his arms, leaned back against the counter, and sighed heavily. “Hamilton was raped last night.”

James did a double take, forehead crinkling. “Excuse me?”

“He got attacked by someone,” Thomas frowned. “He doesn’t know who the guy was and he had some kind of memory lapse — he remembers what happened to him  _ very  _ clearly, but he doesn’t remember what the guy’s face looks like.”

“Okay,” James said slowly, taking a moment to let it all process in his head, “okay, that — that  _ really  _ sucks,” he said, “but what does that have to do with you? And how do you even know any of this?”

Thomas frowned again, “I found him. In the alley outside the bar.”

James matched Thomas’s frown. 

“He was laying on the ground all — all beaten up, bruised and bleeding,” Thomas said and he could feel bile rising in his throat. “I never really thought of him like — like —”

“Like what?” James furrowed his brows. 

“Like —  _ human _ ,” Thomas frowned. “Vulnerable, and breakable, and  _ human _ .”

“Oh, Thomas,” James frowned. “So you went to the police station with him? That’s why you left the bar?”

“Hospital,” Thomas said. “His head was bleeding so he got it stitched up and an Officer met us there, interviewed us both. And then I took him back to his apartment.”

“Couldn’t Laurens, Lafayette, and Mulligan have taken him home?” James asked. 

Thomas shrugged, “Yeah, I guess… Just not how it worked out.” He decided against telling James that he also spent the night on Hamilton’s couch and that he made him breakfast and agreed to get rid of the clothes from the previous night for him. 

_ Speaking of which,  _ he thought to himself as the clothes crossed his mind,  _ I’ve still got to get rid of those.  _

“Poor guy,” James sighed. “He’s a fucking dick, but he doesn’t deserve this. No one deserves this.”

Thomas shifted uncomfortably, “Yeah. No one deserves this.”

***

“Venti iced coconut milk mocha macchiato!” was the first thing that John said when he and Lafayette walked into Alex’s apartment without knocking like they always did. He held the coffee out to Alex while Lafayette closed the door behind them. 

“Thanks,” Alex smiled gratefully, taking the coffee and sipping it in relief because Starbucks coffee was  _ exactly  _ what he needed at the moment. “Did you get your glorified lime juice?”

“It’s called a cool lime refresher and it is delicious and  _ refreshing! _ ” John glared at Alex. “And not that it concerns you, but no, I got the  _ strawberry  _ refresher today!” 

“Whatever,” Alex rolled his eyes. “Laf, how’s your fucking zebra drink?”

“It is great, thank you very much for asking,” Lafayette said smugly before sipping their hot chocolate. “Let us sit and talk, please,” they said and sat down in the cushy armchair. 

John sat himself down in Lafayette lap, pecking a quick kiss to their cheek. 

Alex sat down on the couch, sipping his iced coffee, content to sit in silence if John and Lafayette would allow it (no such luck).

“Did you sleep well?” John asked. 

“Yes,” Alex lied. 

“Really?” John raised his eyebrows. 

“Well,” Alex shrugged, “not  _ well,  _ I suppose, but no worse than I usually do — which, admittedly, isn’t very well but I’ll live.”

John and Lafayette shared a skeptical look. 

“I’m really fine,” Alex told them. “I can move on.” 

“Alexander,” Lafayette frowned. “This is — this is big. It is — you have to deal with this, you must face or — you must — John, help me out here.”

“It’s not something you can sweep under the rug like you do with everything else in your damn life,” John sighed, earning himself a roll of the eyes from Alex. “I’m serious!”

“ _ Mon ami _ , you need help,” Lafayette sighed. 

“No,” Alex shook his head, “no, I don’t.”

John shifted uncomfortably, “We want you to talk to a therapist.”

Alex scoffed, “Oh my god.”

“Alex! Please!” John said. 

“ _ No _ , John,  _ no way! _ ” Alex glared at both of his friends. “I’m fine, okay? I’m fucking fine. I don’t need to see a therapist.”

“It cannot hurt,” Lafayette shrugged their shoulders. “It is — how you say — worth a shot.”

John rolled his eyes at them, “Shut the fuck up, Laf, you speak perfect English.” 

Alex looked away from them, staring blankly into space while he drank his coffee. He wasn’t fine and he knew it, but he didn’t have any spare time to be spending with a fucking shrink, lying on a couch and crying about what happened to him. He’d get over it eventually, and in the meantime there was work to be done. 

“We just don’t want to see you get hurt anymore than you already have,” John said in a small voice that made Alexander’s heart melt. “Please, Alex, just  _ please  _ consider it. You don’t have to make me any promises, just say you’ll consider it.”

Alex sighed heavily and both John and Lafayette stuck their bottom lips out into sad pouts so Alex huffed dramatically and said, “Fine! I’ll  _ think about it _ .”

John grinned. “Thank you, Alex! Thank you!”

Lafayette smiled and nodded slowly, “It will help us both to sleep a little easier at night.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Alex waved his hand. “I’m out of coffee,” he said, frowning down at the Starbucks cup in his hand that now held ice alone.

“I am nearly done with my hot chocolate as well,” Lafayette nodded. 

“Losers,” John smirked, sipping his refresher that he still had half a cup of. 

“Come on,” Alex said, getting to his feet. 

“Where?” Lafayette asked. 

“I want more Starbucks,” Alex said, “and I intend to get it.”

“Okay, then.” John said, getting up and pulling Lafayette to their feet. “We’re off!”

***

They had offered to stay with him again but he had refused. They offered to call Hercules (who still didn’t even know about what happened at the bar) but Alex made the excuse of not wanting to explain everything to him. 

Eventually John and Lafayette went on their way, heading back to their own apartment for the night, and Alex was left alone in his apartment for the second time that day — left to feel unsafe and vulnerable for the second time that day. 

That’s how he got to be curled up on the couch and waiting, he supposed, for Jefferson to show up. 

He leapt to his feet when knocks sounded on the door, running to it and wrenching it open. “Jefferson,” he said breathlessly, “come in.”

Thomas frowned, brows furrowed, but he stepped over the threshold and into the apartment. “You  _ do  _ have friends who could stay here with you, don’t you, Hamilton?” he questioned as he flopped down on the couch and sprawled himself out.

“I don’t want to bother them,” Alex said, locking the door tightly. 

“But it’s okay to bother me at ten o’clock at night?” Thomas raised his eyebrows.

“Well, I hate you,” Alex said. “I don’t care about your feelings,” he said but neither of them could deny that there was a playful smile tugging at his lips. 

“Gee, thanks,” Thomas chuckled. “So, do I get to go home and sleep in my own bed tonight or should I make myself comfortable on the couch?”   


Alex wrung his hand together, shuffled his feet awkwardly, and stared at the floor, “I was kind of hoping you would stay, but…” he trailed off. 

Thomas sighed, “I guess this couch ain’t too bad,” he offered a small smile. 

Alex looked up with a grateful look on his face — so grateful, apparently, that he didn’t feel the need to point out to Jefferson that  _ ain’t  _ is not a word as he was known to do. 

“What’d you do all day?” Thomas asked and he tried to tell himself that he was just making conversation to avoid an agonizingly awkward silence but he was actually very curious to find out how Alex was coping in the first twenty four hours since the attack. 

“John and Laf came over for most of the day,” Alex told him. 

“Oh, well, that’s good,” Thomas said (and it  _ was,  _ it meant he had been around people all day which meant he wasn’t trying to isolate himself which was  _ very good _ ). “I’m assuming they offered to stay here overnight about a hundred times?”

“Not as many times as they asked me how I’m doing and if I was okay,” Alex sighed. 

“And did you tell them that you feel like shit as you so eloquently explained to me this morning?” Thomas crossed his arms. 

“No, I — I told them that I was fine,” Alex said. 

Thomas sat straight up at that, “Excuse me?”

“Well, I —” 

“No, seriously, what the  _ fuck _ . Hamilton?” Thomas narrowed his eyes. “You are so  _ not  _ fine!”

“I know I’m not!”

“So why’d you tell them that you are?”

“Same reason I won’t let them or any of my friends stay here with me to make me feel better,” Alex said sharply. “They’ve all got enough of their own shit without adding mine to the pile.”

“So I’m — what?” Thomas said. “Your bitch who comes to sleep on your couch whenever you call?”

“Well, you didn’t have to come,” Alex spat. 

Thomas frowned, “Forget it, Hamilton.”

After a while Alex said, “What about you? What did you do all day?”

_ I drank _ , Thomas thought,  _ a lot _ .

“Nothing,” he said. 

Alex nodded slowly. “I — I really would like to go to sleep if that’s alright with you.”

“It’s what I’m here for,” Thomas said.

“Okay,” Alex nodded and stood. “Goodnight.”

“Night,” Thomas waved as Alex strode past the couch to the bedroom. 

When the bedroom door opened there was a beat of silence, Alex said, “Thank you,” and then he hurried into the room and shut the door behind himself. 

Thomas sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair, still unsure of how his life became what it now was in less than a day. 

***

Thomas didn’t know what was happening at first. He’d just woken up and there were terrible screams coming from — well —  _ somewhere. _

He sat up slowly, looked around, and remembered that he was in Hamilton’s apartment.

_ Hamilton’s apartment.  _

“HAMILTON!” Thomas shrieked, leaping over the back of the couch and crossing the living room in a few long strides. He burst into the bedroom and sure enough there he was. 

Alex was writhing about, yelling for help while getting himself tangled in the blankets, screaming long and nearly incoherent strings of  _ nonononono  _ and  _ stop  _ and  _ gerroffme _ . 

“Hamilton! Hamilton, wake up!” Thomas hurried to his bedside and reached out to shake him awake but the moment his fingertips brushed Alex’s shoulder Alex threw him off. 

“STOP! STOP! STOP!  _ PLEASE STOP! _ ” Alex continued to scream. \

Thomas frowned, “Hamilton, please listen to me,” he said calmly, getting as close as he could without getting whacked in the face. “Hamilton,” he said, getting even closer and reaching for Alex’s hand. 

“NO NO NO! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE JUST  _ STOP! _ ” Alex screamed even louder than before and for a second Thomas really thought he was going to cry for Alexander fucking Hamilton. 

Thomas grabbed hold of one of his hands and Alex screamed even louder. “ _ Alexander! _ ” Thomas yelled and Alex’s breath caught in his throat, he stopped screaming. Slowly, then all it once, he stopped squirming about and he melted into the mattress. “That’s it, Alexander,” Thomas said soothingly, “that’s it. You’re safe.”

Alex’s eyes opened a little and he squinted them, “Thomas?” he said in a hoarse voice. 

“Yes, Alexander,” Thomas said softly, barely noticing that Alex had said  _ Thomas  _ instead of  _ Jefferson _ . Not noticing the way he transitioned so easily from  _ Hamilton  _ to  _ Alexander _ at all. “I’m here. You’re safe, I promise you’re safe.”

Alex blinked and nodded. “Thank you,” he croaked. 

“Go back to sleep, Alexander, okay?” Thomas whispered in Alex’s ear. 

Alex nodded slowly, “I’m safe,” he said, almost inaudibly. 

**“You’re safe,” Thomas assured him just as he squeezed Thomas’s hand tightly, and Thomas was sure that he wouldn’t be getting any sleep that night. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so Starbucks Tips ™
> 
> 1\. Alex's drink with the long ass name is actually what my sister gets every time we go to Starbucks and it's hella.   
> 2\. The cool lime refresher mentioned isn't my FAV but !!!! this is how you make it lit -- you ask them to make it with lemonade instead of water when you order  
> 3\. If you get the strawberry refresher (which I do every time I go to starbucks which btw is literally ery'day) order it with extra strawberry juice   
> 4\. If ya want Laf's zebra hot chocolate here's how you order it -- it's half regular hot chocolate and half white hot chocolate....thas it....that simple 
> 
> This has been Starbucks Tip™ with bi_lovely. Congrats for this is a blessing as I am a Starbucks Expert™
> 
> All the love xx


	3. i'm fine but i'm lying (i'm so very far from fine)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK GUYS LISTEN UP BECAUSE IT STORY TIME !!!
> 
> So I went to this concert last night.... I saw Leslie Odom Jr in concert last night.... :) It was SO GREAT! He gave a speech and he talked about Hamilton so much, he talked about his kindergarten play and how great Lin and Daveed and Pippa and everyone else are, he talked about his wife and meeting the president, AND he sang three Hamilton songs and three songs from his album and one song from another musical. HE ALSO TOOK QUESTIONS !!!
> 
> He's such a bean, honestly. 
> 
> Ok, that's all. Enjoy. 
> 
> P.S. He told us something really gr9 but I can't tell you bc he made us all promise to keep it a secret aaaahhhhhhhh !!!! but if anyone else is a bitch a spoils the secret, THEN i'll tell you all about it but I can't be the one to let Leslie down I'm sorry, I need him to keep his faith in Rhode Island so he'll come back ;)
> 
> All the love xx

Monday could not have possibly come fast enough as far as Alexander was concerned. Sunday passed by at a snail’s pace. 

Alex woke up on Sunday morning to find Jefferson curled up on the floor on the side of his bed and when he asked him why he was there (with a couple of added choice words) Jefferson just frowned and refused to explain. 

Jefferson left after breakfast again and Alex went out. He was accustomed to getting a lot of work done on the weekends but he couldn’t bare to go into the office because Washington always found out about everything somehow. And if George Washington knew what happened to Alex on Friday then John Adams knew, and if John Adams knew then the entire company knew. So Alex spent most of the day curled up in a booth at Starbucks with his laptop in front of him. 

He came close to calling Thomas again that night, his finger hovering over the contact info on his phone, but he eventually decided against it and went to bed. 

When he woke up screaming at two in the morning he almost called Thomas, he almost called John, he almost called any damn person he knew but he stopped himself. 

So even though he knew people were going to give him weird looks and pity him from the moment he walked through the front door, Alex felt a sense of calm fill him as he walked up to the building. He was more than ready to drown his sorrows in paperwork. 

It started right off the bat when he stepped out of the elevator on his floor. George Eaker and Charles Lee (or as Alex liked to call them, The Dumbass Interns Who Don’t Know How To Do a Damn Thing For Themselves) stared at him with wide eyes and mouths agape as he strode past them toward his office and pretended not to notice. 

Even people who didn’t know what had happened to him (though there were very few of them) stared at his bruised face and hickeys that he couldn’t quite hide beneath his shirt collar as he walked by. 

When he was approaching his office at long last, he spotted George Washington up ahead. 

Washington was deep in conversation with James Madison but when he spotted Alex walking down the hallway he quickly told James they’d have to finish their discussion another time before striding away while James blinked in complete disbelief over the fact that he’d now been blown off for Alexander Hamilton twice in less than seventy two hours. 

“Son,” Washington greeted Alex. 

“We’ve been over this,” Alex said, but Washington wasn’t listening. 

“Why are you here, Hamilton?” 

“It’s Monday?” Alex raised his eyebrows. 

Washington scowled and crossed his arms. “You need to take some time off of work, Hamilton. Take some time to talk to your friends, talk to a therapist, get help. You need to find closure.”

Alex stared at him for a long time, “With all due respect, sir,” he said slowly, “you don’t know what I need.  _ I  _ know what I need. I need to work. Now if you’ll excuse me…” he nodded to Washington once, then turned and stepped into his office. 

He closed the door behind himself and sighed heavily, setting down his brief case and sitting himself down behind his desk. “It’s going to be a long day,” he said to himself. 

***

Once she got word that Alex had come into work that morning (which  _ of course  _ that man would come into work less than three days after being sexually assaulted and walk around pretending that everything is okay), Eliza Schuyler was ready for him to come into her office only to sit down with her and start to sob.

There came a soft knocking at her door and she drew in a deep breath, ready for whatever, before saying, “Come in.”

The door opened and instead of Alex, Maria Reynolds stepped into Eliza’s office and closed the door behind herself. 

“Oh, hello, darling,” Eliza smiled, leaning back in her chair. “I was expecting Alexander. What’s up?”

Maria stood still for a moment or so, swaying slightly, before bursting into tears. 

“What’s wrong?” Eliza frowned, getting to her feet. 

Maria opened her mouth to speak but she ended up just shaking her head frantically and sobbing even harder. 

Eliza walked around her desk and leaned back against it, opening up her arms invitingly. “Come here,” she gestured to Maria. She pulled her poor crying girl into her arms and held her tightly, “Sshhh,” she whispered gently in Maria’s ear, “sshhh, it’s okay. It’s okay, we’re going to make it okay, whatever it is, alright?”

Maria looked up and sniffed, wiping her tears away and smudging her makeup across her face in the process.

“Sit down,” Eliza said in a soothing voice. “I’m going to fix your makeup and you can tell me what’s going on, okay?”

Maria nodded slowly. She sat down and watched as Eliza pulled out her makeup bag and knelt down in front of her. 

“Nothing’s wrong with the baby, right?” Eliza said. 

Maria’s hand instinctively flew to her belly that was just barely beginning to show. “No,” she said shakily. “The baby is fine.”

“Then what is it, love?” Eliza asked as she applied makeup to Maria’s eyes with expert brushstrokes. 

“James got a new job,” Maria said and though Eliza flinched at the mention of Maria’s husband she was otherwise unaffected by the news. “Here,” Maria added. 

Eliza froze, looking Maria dead in the eyes. “He can’t.”

Maria frowned, “He’s coming to move his things into his office on Friday. He starts working a week from today.” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Eliza shook her head slowly as she finished up Maria’s makeup. “It doesn’t matter, okay? You’ve been making plans to leave him anyway. It’ll all be fine. Maria, I swear to god, this man is not allowed to control your life!” 

“How can I leave him if he works here?” Maria said and she looked like she was going to start crying again. “I’ll see him every day, Liz. He could hurt me. I  _ really think  _ he would hurt me.”

“I won’t let him,” Eliza shook her head again. 

Maria frowned, “I don’t want to be a single mom,” she said in a small voice.

Eliza furrowed her brows, tilted her head, “Maria,” she said in a voice that sounded like she thought Maria was completely insane, “you  _ know  _ you won’t be.”

“You’ll really stick around?” Maria asked looking unconvinced. 

Eliza smiled and reached up to cup Maria’s cheek, “I’m in it for the long haul, honey.” She got to her feet so that she could lean down and cup Maria’s face in her hands. She kissed her deeply and comfortingly, keeping her as close as she could. 

“Liz,” said a voice urgently as Eliza’s office door burst open. 

Maria was on her feet, eyes wide, so quickly it was almost unbelievable. “Mr. Hamilton,” she said, blushing deeply, as she tucked her hair behind her ears. “I — I’ll go. I’m sorry, I —” 

Usually in a situation such as this Eliza would have said something along the lines of, “Hey, Alex, there’s this new trend called  _ knocking  _ and you should really try it some time!” but she knew what Alex had been through and hoped that he was here to talk through it. 

Eliza sighed and laid a hand on Maria’s shoulder, “I need to talk to Alex for a little bit, but you can come over tonight if you want. We can talk through all of this, okay? It’s all going to be okay.”

Maria frowned but nodded and, avoiding making eye contact with Alex, hurried from Eliza’s office. 

Eliza leaned back against her desk, arms crossed, and sighed heavily, unsure of how to proceed. 

“So,” Alex said. 

“So,” Eliza echoed.

“You’re a shrink,” Alex said. 

Eliza blinked, “I prefer  _ psychologist  _ but yes… And?”

“I need one,” Alex said. “Well, not really. I don’t need a shrink. But John and Laf say I do and I know they’re going to keep bugging me about it if I don’t talk to one so… this is me, talking to you — a shrink — so that John and Laf can’t complain.”

“This doesn’t count,” Eliza shook her head. “You know me — you’ve known me, like,  _ forever _ .”

“Whatever, you’ve got a degree,” Alex shrugged. 

“They’re right, though,” Eliza tilted her head. “You  _ do  _ need a therapist.”

“No, I don’t,” Alex shook his head. “I’m  _ fine _ .”

Eliza fixed him with a hard stare, entirely unconvinced, “Why are you here? You should be taking time off. Take a week or two to just stay home, write whatever the hell you want to write, drink tea, and go for a walk in a forest or something. Go on a self healing journey.”

“I don’t need to go on a freaking self healing journey,” Alex rolled his eyes. “I’m  _ fine _ , Eliza —  _ I really am _ , so stop giving me that look!”

“I don’t believe you,” Eliza said. “I’m sorry, but there’s no way anyone can be fine after what you went through.”

“You don’t know anything about what I went through,” Alex glared at her. 

“Get help, Alexander,” was all Eliza said before moving around her desk and taking a seat. “I’ve got work to do. You let me know when you want a referral. I have a friend who’s a very good therapist, probably better than me.”   
  
Alex shook his head. “I  _ don’t need a therapist _ .” He turned on his heel and stormed out of the office while Eliza frowned after him. 

In his own office, Alex collapsed in his chair behind his desk and heaved a heavy sigh. 

_ I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.  _

Maybe if he told himself enough it’d be true one day. 

Alex’s office door opened and Lafayette poked their head in. “Good morning, Alexander. Washington informed me that you had come into work.”

“Yeah,” Alex shrugged. “Come in, Laf.”

Lafayette smiled, stepped into the office and closed the door. “Alexander, why are you here? You should be at home.”

“Yeah, that’s what everyone’s been telling me,” Alex sighed, pressing the power button on his laptop and pulling up his new e-mails. 

“If everyone agrees then perhaps you should be listening,” Lafayette frowned. “Have you stopped to consider for even a moment that just maybe we are right?” 

“Nope,” Alex said, tapping out a reply to an e-mail from a big corporation that he’d received over the weekend. 

“ _ Alexander, _ ” Lafayette rolled their eyes. When Alex didn’t say anything or even bother to look up from the screen of his laptop, they said, “Hercules called me. He wants to know why you aren’t answering any of his calls or replying to any of his messages. He thinks he did something wrong.”

“I’m not ready to talk about it, Laf,” Alex huffed. “I’m fine, but that doesn’t mean I have to talk about it.”   


“That is fine, but that does not mean you are allowed to cut people out,” Lafayette crossed their arms. “Call Hercules. And for goodness’ sake, go home.”

Alex did  _ not  _ go home. But he did call Hercules, and he did tell him what happened. He made it as short of a conversation as possible and told Hercules that he’d talk to him soon. Before Alex could hang up, Hercules made sure to tell him to go home.

He’d been off the phone for barely a minute before his door opened again and Angelica Schuyler strode in, set down a stack of contracts, and told him to have them signed and on Washington’s desk by the end of the day. 

“Good to see you,” Alex said before she left. “And thanks for not telling me I’m stupid for being here like everyone else I’ve encountered today.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to say it,” Angelica said, “but since you mentioned it — you’re an idiot, go home.”

Alex glared at her, “Goodbye, Angelica.”

Angelica gave him a pointed look before flicking her sleek hair over her shoulder and marching out of Alex’s office with her nose in the air.

Alex sighed, thinking that if one more person told him to go home he would scream, or his head might just explode. 

Then he had another thought — a thought that he would have never guessed he’d ever have, but there it was and it got rather stuck in his head and wouldn’t go away.

Alex stood, put his laptop to sleep, then walked out of his office. 

Jefferson’s office was right across the hall and Alex didn’t bother knocking. He burst in, expecting Thomas to look up and roll his eyes and halfheartedly say that Alex should go home. Instead Alex barged in and closed the door behind himself and Thomas didn’t even look up from his paperwork. 

After several moments, Thomas said, “Unless George Washington himself is on fire, leave me alone.”

“How rude,” Alex said, “what if George Washington really  _ was  _ on fire?”

Thomas slowly looked up from his work, “Alexander Hamilton, what in the name of god are you doing here?”

“I thought you would have heard that I was here by now,” Alex crossed his arms. “From what I’ve been told, Washington is complaining about it, saying I’m ridiculous or whatever.”   


Thomas blinked, “Why the  _ fuck  _ are you here?”

“Because I have work to do,” Alex shrugged. 

“ _ Go home! _ ” Thomas bellowed. 

“Why do you care so much?” Alex tilted his head. 

“I — I don’t — just fucking go home, okay?!” Thomas huffed. 

“No,” Alex shrugged again and he sat down across from Thomas. 

“Why are you here?” Thomas narrowed his eyes at Alex. 

“I told you,” Alex said, “I have work to do.”

“No, I mean  _ here _ ,” Thomas rolled his eyes. “Like, in my office. If you want to come into work when you should be taking time off like the idiot that you are then fine, it’s your emotional state to wreck if you so please, but I have a job that I’m fully capable of doing right now and you’re interrupting my work.”

Alex shrugged for a third time, “You’re the only one who’ll talk to me like a person instead of a kicked puppy.” 

Thomas sighed, “You need to go home, Hamilton.”

“Talk to me,” Alex said instead of replying. 

Thomas sighed again, “About what?”

“I don’t know,” Alex shook his head. “I don’t care. Just tell me something. Tell me a story. Tell me what you’re having for dinner tonight. I don’t fucking care, just distract me.”

“You’re not fine,” Thomas shook his head. 

“I already told you that,” Alex raised his eyebrows. 

“But you won’t tell anyone else,” Thomas frowned. 

“Exactly,” Alex nodded. “Now, distract me.”

Thomas stared at Alex for a long time before he said, “I’ll tell you a story if you’ll let me bring you home.”

Alex glared at him, “I’m going to finish some contracts for Washington first.”

Thomas smirked. “Okay, I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”

***

“Okay,” Thomas said about an hour later when he and Alex were in his car, stuck in gridlock traffic in the middle of the city, “what do you want to know?”

“I don’t know,” Alex shook his head. 

“Well, you should decide,” Thomas raised his eyebrows. 

Alex considered it for a moment before asking, “Why did you move to New York? You always say how great the South is and how much you love Virginia, so why did you move here?”

“That’s a long story,” Thomas said. 

“We’ve got time,” Alex said. 

Thomas nodded slowly, “Okay, but remember, you asked for it… I was married to this girl. I was married to this  _ perfect  _ girl. Her name’s Martha. We were happy — like the gross kind of happy where you burst into song at random things like rainbows and flowers make you happy. Her parents loved me and mine adored her. We were the perfect couple…”

“Okay,” Alex said after Thomas hadn’t said anything more for close to a minute, “so what happened to the two of you?”

Thomas sighed, “We had a kid.”

“Oh?” Alex said slowly. “And that’s…a bad thing?”

“No,” Thomas shook his head. “Or, at least, it shouldn’t have been a bad thing. But she was a very sick baby.  _ Jane.  _ Her name was Jane. She was born in December, just as winter was arriving, and she was gone by the time spring came around.” 

“Oh.” Alex frowned, and when Thomas fell silent again he asked, “So that’s what happened to you and your wife? Your daughter died and it broke you up.” 

“No, not at all,” Thomas shook his head. “Which, by the way, is pretty amazing when you think about it. We were so young and so stupid. We got married when we were nineteen, and by twenty three we’d had a daughter and lost her. I think the closest we ever came to breaking, though, was in the year after Jane died — less than a year, actually. Martha got pregnant again. It was an accident, but it was what it was.”

Alex frowned again, even deeper this time. 

“I didn’t want to keep the baby.” Thomas shook his head. “Not so soon after Jane. But Martha couldn’t do it, she wouldn’t have an abortion, so we were having another baby.”

Alex didn’t say anything this time when Thomas fell silent, he waited patiently. 

“I was twenty four when Lucy was born,” Thomas told Alex. “And I was twenty for when my Martha died during childbirth.” 

Alex frowned, opened his mouth to say something, then realized he had no words of comfort to offer so he quickly shut his mouth. “So that’s why you moved here?”

“Almost,” Thomas said. “I almost handed Lucy off to my sister and moved to France the day Martha died, but I couldn’t do it. I felt like I owed that little girl the whole world. Not only was I her father, but I was the only parent she had, and I was the one who wanted to kill her when she was just a bundle of nerves and tissue before her heart had even begun to beat.” He fell silent yet again but only for a moment. “But then, I was twenty seven when Lucy developed severe pneumonia that tore through her tiny little body like it was fucking cancer. And she died too.”

“Oh, Thomas,” Alex frowned, not even taking notice that he had said  _ Thomas _ and not  _ Jefferson. _

“One wife and two daughters, all gone in a span of four years,” Thomas said. “That’s why I moved to New York.”

Alex didn’t dare to say a word. 

“You said you wanted a distraction,” Thomas said. “You asked for it.” 

Still, nothing. 

“I’m still not over it,” Thomas said. “Any of it. I don’t have any kind of closure. I’m not okay. I was  _ never  _ okay but I refused to ask for help and because of that — because I never got any help — I’m  _ still not okay _ . So I get what you’re going through, in a way, and I’m telling you, don’t make the same mistake that I did.”

**But still, Alex said nothing. **


	4. just another day

Alex woke up on Tuesday morning with the full intention of going to work that day. He got out of bed and threw his hair up into a ponytail then headed out to get some breakfast. 

Before he could get to the kitchen, however, he was met with four men standing in his living room, causing him to jump out of his skin in fright. “What the fuck — what the  _ fucking fuck  _ are you doing in my apartment?!  _ Oh my god! _ ” 

“Sorry,” John frowned. 

“Damn, our bad, bro,” Hercules said. 

“Sorry,  _ mon ami, _ ” Lafayette apologized. 

Alex turned to the fourth person standing in his apartment, “Tho— Jefferson, what is all of this? I’m assuming you’ve got  _ something  _ to do with all of this.”

“You need to take some time off,” Thomas said. 

Alex blinked, “And?”

“Hercules and I are going to take some time off with you,” John said. “You know, we’ll spend time with you while you’re out of work so you’re not alone and to help you whenever you need help and...you know, stuff like that.”

“Plus we need to make sure you don’t go back to work, man,” Hercules said. 

Alex raised one eyebrow. “And, Laf?”

“Oh, I have a very big meeting today and a huge project to turn into the CEO tomorrow afternoon,” Lafayette said. 

“Gee, thanks, buddy,” Alex crossed his arms. 

“Sorry,” Lafayette shrugged. 

Alex shook his head. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m going to work. It’s bad enough that I only went in for half a day yesterday. I have to go to work today.”

“You’re not going,” John shook his head. 

“I  _ am— _ ” 

“Alex, no! You need some time to recuperate!” John yelled. “You are going to take some time off and just — just spend some time with me and Hercules, okay?!” 

“No!” Alex spat. “Listen, John, Hercules, I love you both and you know I love spending time with you but I have to go to work. I’m already so behind! Sp I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I am going to work.”

“No,” Thomas said. 

“Jefferson, would you just let me handle this?” John huffed. 

“Right, because you’re doing  _ so well _ . Besides  _ I’m  _ the one who called you all here,” Thomas rolled his eyes. “Hamilton,” he said firmly, “you need to take a week off.”   
  


“Ha!” Alex barked. 

“I’m serious,” Thomas crossed his arms. 

“Well, there’s no way in hell I’m taking a week off,” Alex laughed. “Do you even know me?”

“ _ No _ ,” John glared, “he doesn’t! This is  _ Jefferson  _ we’re talking about!” 

Thomas and Alex both chose to ignore John. 

“Hamilton,” Thomas said, “you  _ need  _ to take some time off.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“ _ No _ .”

“ _ Yes. _ ”

“Absolutely not.”

“Absolutely  _ yes _ .”

Alex narrowed his eyes at Thomas, “That wasn’t even funny.”

“Take some time off,” Thomas said.    
  


“Fuck off,” Alex growled. “Get out,” he said, “all of you.”

“Alexander,” Lafayette frowned, “we just want to help you.”   
  


Alex glared at them, “How many times to I have to tell the lot of you? I don’t need help! I. Am. Fine.  _ Fucking fine _ , okay?!” 

“Hamilton,” Thomas crossed his arms. 

“Don’t,” Alex snapped at him. “You don’t get to do that, you hear me?”

Lafayette sighed, “Very well, if you insist,” they said and turned to leave. “John, Hercules, come along.”   
  


“No,” John shook his head. 

“John,” Lafayette gently took their boyfriend’s hand, “it is Alexander’s decision if he wishes to be alone.” They dropped their voice to a whisper so that only John could hear, “We must give him space. He will come to us in time.”

So John and Hercules followed Lafayette from the apartment, but Thomas stayed, staring Alex down. 

“I said go,” Alex crossed his arms. “Now.”

“No,” Thomas shook his head. “Absolutely not.”

“Absolutely  _ yes _ ,” Alex challenged. 

Thomas rolled his eyes, “You can’t keep lying to them forever. Eventually you’re going to have to tell them that you’re not okay,  _ eventually  _ you’re going to have to admit that you’re falling apart at the seams.”   
  


Alex raised his eyebrows, “Fucking watch me.” He narrowed his eyes, “Get the fuck out of my apartment.”

Thomas sighed, “Fine. Whatever. Your funeral.” He turned on his heel and stormed out of the apartment, and Alex stood in his living for a long time glaring after him even though he was already gone. 

***

“Thomas,” James said when he saw Thomas stepping out of the elevator and approaching. “Where have you been? I thought you were going to get here early this morning. You’ve got a  _ shit ton  _ of work to do today.”

“Sorry, something came up,” Thomas said, falling into step with James and heading toward his office. 

“What could have possibly come up?” James raised his eyebrows. “I’m the only person you interact with outside of work.”

“I had to check up on Hamilton,” Thomas said.

“Excuse me?” James raised his eyebrows. 

“Hamilton,” Thomas said, stepping into his office. “He’s not doing so well.”

“Okay,” James said. “And?”

Thomas raised his eyebrows at James. “And what?”

“What does that have to do with you?” James’ forehead crinkled in puzzlement. “You hate the guy. Why do you need to check up on him?”

“I  _ found  _ him, James,” Thomas frowned. 

  
“So?” James said. “That doesn’t suddenly make you a part of his life.”   
  
“It kind of does,” Thomas crossed his arms. 

“Did he ask you to check up on him?” 

“No.”

“Does he  _ want you  _ to check up on him?” 

“I don’t know.”

“Then there’s no reason to do it!” James exclaimed. 

Thomas set his briefcase down on his desk, shaking his head. “You didn’t see him. You didn’t find him laying on the ground in an alley, bleeding and bruised,  _ shaking  _ and  _ crying  _ and  _ vomiting _ . You didn’t see what I saw, James, you didn’t see how  _ helpless  _ he was.”

James just stared at him wordlessly. 

“And now he wants to say that everything is fine.” Thomas shook his head again. “He wants to say that there is  _ nothing wrong.  _ He won’t talk to a therapist, he won’t even take one fucking week out of work.”

“You wouldn’t,” James said. 

“What?”   
  


“If it was you,” James said, “in Hamilton’s position, you’d react exactly the same way.”

“I would not,” Thomas said defensively. 

“Yes you would,” James insisted. “You  _ have _ .”

Thomas shook his head. 

“Hamilton is pushing Laurens and Lafayette and Mulligan away, right?” James said. 

Thomas shrugged, “Yeah. So?”

“ _ So _ ,” James said, “after you broke down, had a fucking emotional break, you pushed me away. You were afraid because I’d seen you in a way you never want anyone to see you, you were embarrassed because you had told me everything about Martha and you thought I’d look at you differently. That’s why you pushed me away and that’s why Hamilton is pushing his friends away.” 

“Whatever,” Thomas said. 

James sighed. “Don’t stop checking up on him, Thomas.”

“Why?” Thomas asked. “I thought I wasn’t part of his life and there’s no reason for me to check up on him.”

“Maybe there is,” James said. “If someone had cared about you and checked in on you when you pushed me away… that would have been good. That would have been a really good thing and I would have been grateful for that.”

“Well, Laurens is anything but grateful for me,” Thomas sighed. “He just hates — wait a second! What do you mean you would have liked if someone checked in on me? This is totally different! What happened to Hamilton  _ just happened _ . When I had a breakdown — if you can even call it a breakdown, that is —”

“What are you talking about?” James interrupted with a frown. “It was a  _ major  _ breakdown!”    
  


“I don’t know about that,” Thomas rolled his eyes. “Anyway, when I had a breakdown or  _ whatever  _ it had been years since I lost my family.”

“It’s not different, Thomas, because you never got a chance to get over that loss,” James shook his head. 

“I have had seven years,” Thomas crossed his arms. “I’m fucking fine.”

“You’re still not okay,” James shook his head. 

“James, I am  _ fine _ ,” Thomas hissed. 

“You and Martha never had time to get over Jane, and then you never had time to get over Martha because you had Lucy,” James frowned, “and then you never  _ gave  _ yourself time after Lucy.”

Thomas gritted his teeth. “Get out of my office. Get the fuck out.”

“Thomas, just hear me out —” James sighed. 

“No,” Thomas scowled. “Get the hell out.  _ Now _ .” 

James stared at him for a long time before turning to the door, opening it slowly. He glanced back at Thomas over his shoulder, “I only want to help you, Thomas. I’m here for you. I’m your  _ friend _ . Just remember that, okay?”   
  


Thomas turned away from James, waited until he heard the office door close again to break down. 

***

“We are worried about you, Alexander,” Lafayette was pacing back and forth in front of Alex’s desk. “John cries at night because he is so worried about you. Hercules believes you do not trust him enough to confide in him — and John believes the same! John says that if were had not been at the bar that night then he does not think you would have told us what happened.”   
  
“I don’t want to talk about it, Laf,” Alex frowned.

“And this is exactly why John and Hercules think —” 

“I don’t want to talk about it with  _ anyone  _ so stop trying to  _ guilt trip me,  _ Lafayette,” Alex glowered, earning himself an eyeroll from Lafayette. 

“Have you considered speaking with a psychologist?” Lafayette frowned. “You promised you would.” 

“I thought about it, yeah,” Alex nodded. “I talked to Eliza.”   
  


“Yes, Eliza called me last night,” Lafayette raised their eyebrows. “She told me everything that was said, and she is right — talking to her does not count.”

Alex huffed. “She’s a psychologist —  _ it counts. _ ” 

Lafayette stared at Alex for a while, considering this. “I suppose it  _ could  _ count,” they said thoughtfully. “But only if you agree to have regular appointments with her and  _ actually  _ talk to her about how you are feeling and learn some coping skills from her. You cannot just walk in and say, ‘Okay, I have talked to you and you are a psychologist so there’ and be done with it.”

“I can and I did and that’s the end of it,” Alex snapped. 

Lafayette shook their head. “We can help you, Alexander. But only if you will accept our help.”

Alex stared at them for a long time before shaking his head slowly. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need  _ anyone’s  _ help. I’m fine.”

“You can continue to say that,” Lafayette raised their eyebrows, “and I know you will. You keep saying it, and you will continue to do so — I  _ know _ — but that will not make me believe you.” 

“That’s not my problem,” Alex snapped, pulling the paperwork he needed to get done that day from his desk drawer.

Lafayette frowned, “We are all here for you when you finally decide that you want us to be, and when you finally really that you  _ need  _ us to be.”

Alex didn’t look up from his paperwork as Lafayette walked out the door. 

***

Thomas found himself staring at Alex’s door for a long, long, long time after he’d put away all of his things and readied himself to head home. He was just leaning against the door to his own office, staring across the hallway. 

He knew that he should go in and check on Alex, but James’ words rung clearly in his mind. He didn’t know why James’ words should even affect how he acted toward Alexander Hamilton and he was pretty sure that there was no connection whatsoever. 

Yet there he was, staring at a door. 

He stepped away from his office door eventually and slowly walked across the hallway. He wrapped his hand, one finger at a time, around the door knob and went to twist it, only to find that it was locked. 

“Hamilton?” Thomas called, wiggling the knob. “Hamilton, let me in. Come on.”

“Jefferson,” a voice came from behind him and Thomas whipped around in surprise to find George Washington standing there. 

“Oh, hello, Mr. Washington,” Thomas said. “I was just hoping to talk to Hamilton before I head home, you know… you wouldn’t happen to be able to get him to open this door would you?”

“He went home,” Washington said slowly. “Why on earth are you looking for him, of all people?”

“I just,” Thomas began but frowned, shook his head, “Never mind, sir. Goodnight. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

**“Goodnight, Jefferson,” Washington said and he fixed Thomas was a suspicious stare that followed him all the way down the hallway. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo not a ton of stuff happened in this chapter but I swear next chapter the plot is gonna get crazy ok ??? (We maaaaaaaayyyyy even be finding out whooooooo the rapist is in the next chapter,,,, just saying)
> 
> But seriously guys a warning for the next chapter, Alex's attacker WILL make an appearance and the attack WILL be mentioned. I'll put another warning at the beginning of the next chapter. 
> 
> Now to my USA readers,,, that election,,, uh,,, it sure happened didn't it. so I know right now isn't the best time for a lot of us. the LGBT rights are at stake, POC are being attacked and threatened, it's a scary time I know. I'm not in the best place right now, i'm struggling a lot with my mental health so i'm in no position to be preaching and tell you all to stay totally positive and don't let fear rule your life.
> 
> here is what I will say,,, peaceful protest is a powerful thing. draw a rainbow on your hand or your arm, draw your own sexuality/gender orientation flag, join the safety pin project (just wear a safety pin on the front of your shirt so that if anyone in public feels threatened because of their sexuality, gender orientation, the color of the skin, their religion, or anything really then they know that you are a safe space and they can sit with you and walk with you and talk to you). 
> 
> You guys are all wonderful, you are all beautiful, no matter what happens and no matter what anyone tells you. <3
> 
> All the love xx


	5. if i'm lying here, will you take me home?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!!!  
> Alex DOES come face to face with his rapist in this chapter!!!
> 
> Also remember how last chapter was kinda short and not much happened?? Yeah this chapter so makes up for that lol. It's like 5k words and SO MUCH SHIt goes down like get ya tissues ready ;)
> 
> All the love xx

Eliza walked up to her office on Wednesday morning to find Maria standing outside of it. “Hi,” she smiled, reaching out to touch Maria’s shoulder, “is everything okay?”

Maria frowned, shook her head. 

“Okay,” Eliza nodded slowly. “It’s okay. Come on in.” She unlocked her office door and she and Maria stepped inside. “What’s bothering you?”

“It’s just this whole thing with James,” Maria said in a small voice. “I mean, how can we keep doing this with him working here? We hardly ever see each other outside of work these days as it is, and now he’ll be  _ here _ .”

“Washington told me he’s just renting office space,” Eliza said and Maria nodded. “Okay, so he’ll stick to his office and you can still come see me here any time you like. It’s going to be okay.”

“Why do you think he’ll stick to his office, though?” Maria frowned. “You don’t.”

“No, but I have friends and acquaintances here that he won’t have,” Eliza reached out and laced her fingers through Maria’s. “When I started renting office space here there were a ton of people I know who were already working here. Alex and I have been friends since our freshman year of college and he introduced me to Lafayette toward the end of the second semester. Burr’s parents were in a partnership with mine for years before they died so I’ve known Aaron for as long as I could remember. My  _ sister  _ is a freaking P.R. He’s not going to have those connections coming into the building.”

“Yeah, but he’s a really likable person,” Maria frowned, squeezing Eliza’s hand, and she added, “until you’re married to him.”

“Maria, it’s all going to be alright,” Eliza said, rubbing circles into Maria’s hand with her thumb, “it’s fine. You’re going to leave him, remember? And then you won’t have to worry about him anymore.”

Maria didn’t answer. 

“Maria,” Eliza said, “you  _ are  _ going to leave him, right?”

“I don’t know, Liz,” Maria said shakily. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Eliza furrowed her brows, eyes squinted, “You’ve got to leave him. Just  _ get out _ .”

“It’s not that easy,” Maria shook her head. 

Eliza dropped Maria’s hand. “Yes it is!” she exclaimed almost angrily. “He  _ hurt  _ you! He  _ hit  _ you, Maria! That’s not okay — that is  _ never  _ okay!”

“Eliza, please —” 

“It’s not just you anymore either! You’ve got a baby to look out for!” Eliza crossed her arms. “And you’ve got me right here! I’ll be with you every step of the way, do you not get that? Because I  _ swear to you,  _ Maria, I am here for you no matter what happens!”

“I know, Eliza, I know!” Maria screamed back. “But I am afraid! You don’t understand, okay? You can’t even  _ begin  _ to understand how — how  _ terrified  _ I am! He’s got connections, he’s got power, and I can’t let him take this baby away from me!”

“You won’t let that happen, then,” Eliza said. “I know you won’t. And I won’t. I’ll fight him too.”

“But I don’t even feel safe in my own home! I  _ certainly  _ don’t feel safe telling him that I’m leaving him!” Maria bellowed. “He’ll  _ kill me _ , Liz!” 

Eliza frowned, shook her head and took both of Maria’s hands in her own. “Who ever said that you had to do that by yourself?”

Maria tilted her head. 

“I told you,” Eliza sighed deeply, “I am here for you. Every step of the way, I will walk with you and hold your hand. You won’t be alone in any of this as long as you’ll just let me in, okay? Let me in, Maria, and I’ll never let you be alone again. I know your parents left, your husband is a dick, and you haven’t got any friends here after all this time. But I’m never going to walk out on you, okay? I’m here.”

Maria sighed, melting into Eliza. She sighed again, contently, when Eliza wrapped her in a warm hug. 

“One way or another,” Eliza said, “you will make it through this. Okay?”

Maria hesitated, but nodded, “Okay.”

***

Later that same day, Thomas was standing in his office doorway, staring at Alex’s office door. He hadn’t spoken to Alex since he morning of the previous day. 

“Hey, Thomas,” James stopped when he was walking by with a stack of papers in his arms. “I’ve got to drop these off to Washington real quick, but after that we could go grab some lunch across the street?”

“Oh, yeah, sounds good,” Thomas nodded without taking his eyes off Hamilton’s office door.

James raised his eyebrows. “If you want to check on him, why don’t you just do it?”

“No, it’s okay,” Thomas shook his head. “I’ll stay here.”

“Right,” James nodded slowly. “Okay.”

Thomas finally tore his eyes away from the door across the hall to glance the papers that James was holding. “Are those the essays that Washington is having you, Hamilton, and Jay work on?”

“Yep,” James nodded.

“How many have you got there?” Thomas raised his eyebrows at the enormous stack. 

“Twenty nine!” James announced proudly. 

“Uh,” Thomas blinked, “weren’t the three of you supposed to write twenty five between all three of you?”

“Yep!” James grinned. “Who’s the overachiever now, huh? Who’s going to be Washington’s favorite  _ today _ , am I right?”

Thomas rolled his eyes. “Go get ‘em, man.”

James nodded, still grinning. He strode down the hall confidently, knocked on Washington’s office door, and walked inside. 

Thomas sighed, narrowed his eyes at Hamilton’s door, then walked across the hallway and knocked. When he received no answer, he knocked again. And again. And again. And  _ again _ . 

Finally, he just opened the door and stuck his head in, only to find that Alex’s office was empty. 

Thomas huffed and turned around, closing the door behind himself. He walked back across the hallway to stand in his doorway, leaned against the doorjamb with a heavy sigh. 

He needed to get his shit together and he knew it. He couldn’t be caring about Hamilton like he had been in the past few days. It was getting a little ridiculous. 

_ No,  _ he thought to himself,  _ a passed a  _ little  _ ridiculous days ago.  _

If Hamilton could just admit that he needed help, Thomas thought, then he could be done with it. If Hamilton would just suck it up and talk to a psychologist and tell his friends what was really going on then Thomas could be done with it but Thomas was the  _ only one  _ that Hamilton had admitted to that he wasn’t okay, and how could Thomas walk away from that? How could he just turn his back on that?

He couldn’t. He couldn’t turn his back on that. Despite what Hamilton might think, he wasn’t made of metal.

James walked out of Washington’s office looking terribly disgruntled. Behind him, Hamilton and Jay followed him into the hallway. Jay was sulking and he slinked back to his office. Meanwhile, Hamilton was looking smug for the first time since Friday.

“Good work, Madison,” Hamilton said to James. “It was good working with you,” he added before stepping into his office and closing the door behind himself. 

Thomas’ forehead crinkled in puzzlement. “Um — what was that about, exactly?”

James was positively  _ fuming.  _ “That. Fucking. Man.”

Thomas raised his eyebrows questioningly. 

“It was  _ my  _ time,” James growled. “ _ My  _ time to shine, and you know what he went and fucking did? Fucking fifty one essays!  _ Fifty one! _ ” 

And usually Thomas would have moaned and groaned about how ridiculous and absurd Hamilton was, how he never knew when to stop and how he always went way too far, but now all he could do was laugh. 

***

Alex was walking past the cubicles on Thursday morning on the way to his office that was over near Washington’s, and he noticed Maria Reynolds setting pictures on her desk, taping them up behind her computer beside the few sonogram pictures she’d had taped there for a little while now. 

He was nearing his office, but he stopped at Eliza’s office door and knocked. 

“Come in!” she called. 

Alex stepped inside and Eliza smiled up at him excitedly.

“Are you going to have therapy sessions?” she beamed. 

“Er, no,” Alex shook his head.

“Oh,” Eliza said and her face fell. “Well why the hell are you here, then?”

“What?” Alex said, dropping into a chair. “I can’t visit my very good friend at work?”   
  


Eliza glared at him. 

Alex huffed. “Fine,” he rolled his eyes. “I want to talk about Miss Maria Reynolds.”

“Oh, right, that,” Eliza frowned. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms, fixing Alex with an indecipherable gaze. “I forgot that you walked in on us.”

“Yeah,” Alex nodded slowly. 

“It’s really of your business, you know,” Eliza sighed. 

“I just want to know what you think you’re doing,” Alex frowned. 

“I’m dating,” Eliza shrugged, “in secret,” she added. “It’s actually very simple when you think about it.”

“Isn’t she married?” Alex asked. 

“Yes, she is,” Eliza nodded. 

“Liz, what’re you doing?” Alex sighed. 

“Are you really in the best position to be lecturing me on how to live my life right now, Alexander Hamilton?” Eliza glared at Alex. “Do you realize just what level of fucked up you’re a right now?”

“What’s she telling you, huh?” Alex questioned as if he hadn’t heard Eliza speak. “Is she saying that she’ll leave her husband for you? She’s got a baby on the way. She’s not going to leave her husband for a would-be relationship when she’s about to be a mother.”

“You don’t know shit,” Eliza shook her head. “You don’t know a damn thing about Maria, you don’t know about her husband, and apparently you don’t know anything about me either.”

“Do Angelica and Peggy know, at least?” Alex crossed his arms. 

Eliza scowled. “Get out of my office.”

“Liz, you tell your sister’s  _ everything _ ,” Alex shook his head. “What is going on?”

“I said get out,” Eliza hissed and Alex stared at her for a long time with a worried look in his eyes, one he’d received himself from everyone who had passed him by that week, but eventually stood and left the office just as she had told him to.

***

“Come in!” Thomas called when someone knocked on his office door early in the afternoon on Thursday. 

The door opened and in stepped James. “Hey, Thomas,” he said, closing the door behind himself and taking a seat opposite Thomas. 

“Hey, James,” Thomas said, seating back in his chair and crossing his arms casually. “What’s up?”

“I’ve been thinking,” James said. 

“That’s always a good thing,” Thomas nodded and James rolled his eyes. 

“Anyway,” James said, “I’d been thinking, we should take a vacation. Go away for like, two or three days. Have a bros weekend.” 

“Actually, that’s not a bad idea,” Thomas nodded. “What should we do?”

“My family owns this cabin up in New Hampshire,” James said. “We could go spend next weekend there. It’s by a lake and it’s in the woods, and there’s a nice little town nearby. So what do you say? We can drive up after work next Friday?”   
  


“Sounds good to me,” Thomas nodded. 

“Nice!” 

***

“Do you really think this is a good idea?”

“Yes. I am sure of it.”

“He’s always angry anyway. Might as well make him a little angrier.”

“Do I really have to be here?”

“Yes.”

“Ugh.”

“Did they get new carpets since the last time I was here?”

“Yes, we did.” 

On Friday morning, before Alex arrived at work, six people were standing just outside of his office door. John, Lafayette, Hercules, and all three Schuyler sisters were all there. 

John was biting his fingernails nervously. “He’s just going to yell at us and tell us to go away again,” he frowned. “He’s just going to get angry, Laf, why are we doing this?”

“He has to see that we are here for him,” Lafayette said firmly. “He needs a support system, even if he does not realize it yet.” 

“We’ve told him enough fucking times,” Eliza rolled her eyes. “If he doesn’t get it yet then what else are we supposed to do?”

“We are supposed to keep telling him because we are his friends,” Lafayette said pointedly. 

“Well, he better listen,” Hercules huffed. “I had to close the shop for the morning to come here.”

Lafayette glared at Hercules. “He is our  _ friend. _ ”

“I know, and I care about him as much as you do,” Hercules crossed his arms, “but if he’s just going to keep on pushing us away then there’s nothing we can do for him.”

“I’m with Herc,” Angelica nodded. “He needs to want us to help him before we can. Also I’m flying to D.C. in two hours to interview Joe freaking Biden, so, I’m leaving soon.”

“I’m with you, Laf, but like,” Peggy frowned, “the bakery is catering this  _ huge  _ wedding today. It’s kind of a big deal. I have to be out of here in twenty minutes.”

“You are all terrible,” Lafayette shook their head. 

“We’re really not,” Eliza shook her head too. “We’ve  _ tried  _ to help him. He just won’t listen.”

“Whatever,” Lafayette frowned. They turned to John, “Are you going to go to work when you are done here?”

“Nah,” John shrugged. “It’s my birthday so I figured, why not just take the whole day off?”

“Good,” Lafayette smiled, pulling John close to him. “You should stay here with me for the day.”

“What exactly would I do sitting in your office all day long?” John raised one eyebrow. “You’ve got work to do. I’d get pretty bored, don’t you think?”

“You could sit there and look pretty,” Lafayette winked. “And I think I could clear a little bit of my schedule. I could  _ certainly  _ think of a few things to do to keep you from getting bored,  _ mon chaton _ .”

“Oh?” John smirked. 

“Ew!” Peggy scrunched up her nose. 

“Oh my god,” Eliza rolled her eyes dramatically. 

“Ugh, gross,” Angelica groaned. 

“I think I just threw up in my mouth,” Hercules choked. 

“Guys, he’s coming,” Angelica pointed down the hallway . 

“Oh, dear god,” John said. 

Alex walked up to his office door, which was blocked by his six friends, and frowned. “This needs to stop.”   
  


“You need help,” Lafayette said. 

“Yeah, you’ve mentioned,” Alex rolled his eyes. “Move,” he said, shoving them aside. 

“Alexander —” Lafayette began as Alex was unlocking his office door. 

“No, Lafayette,” Alex snapped, stepping into his office.

“See? I knew he’d be a bitch,” Eliza huffed. “I’m leaving. I have a patient in a half hour. Bye.”

“Eliza, I was only trying to help you so you can stop being bitter!” Alex snapped.

“You know what?” Eliza raised her eyebrows. “You’ve got double standards! You, Alexander Hamilton, are a hypocrite!”   
  


Alex scoffed dramatically, an offended squeak escaping his mouth, but before he could shout back at her she stormed away. 

“Well, I’m off to the airport,” Angelica said. “I’m  _ so glad _ I took time out of my day for this,” she added sarcastically before she strode away after her sister. 

“Alex,” Peggy said slowly. “You’ve got to understand that us being here to help you doesn’t mean you’ve got to sit at home and not do anything for a few weeks while we make you feel weak by doing everything for you. Because I know that’s the image you’ve got in your head right now. It just means that whatever you need from us, we’ll do it.”   
  


Alex sighed. “I know, Pegs. And I appreciate it. It’s just that I don’t need anything from you, I don’t need to waste your time. I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Hercules shook his head. “Stop saying you’re fine.”

“Excuse me?” Alex raised his eyebrows. 

“You’re not fine,” Hercules shook his head again. “There’s no way in hell you’re fine. You can’t be fine. Not after what you went through.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Alex said. “Did  _ you  _ go through what I went through?” 

Hercules shifted uncomfortably. 

“No? Oh, okay,” Alex said. “Then how the hell would you know whether I’m fine or not?”

“Alex,” John said in a small voice. “Please. You’ve barely talked to us in a week.”

“I just —” Alex frowned. “I’m fine.”

“You never go a day without seeing us,” John frowned. “We never go a day without seeing each other. You’re not fine.”

Alex stared back at him for a long time and eventually he sighed, “John.”

“Yes?” John said hopefully.

“Happy birthday,” Alex said. “Now please, go. I have work to do.”

Hercules huffed heavily before muttering something inaudible and storming from the room without so much as a goodbye. Peggy frowned and murmured something about needing to get to the bakery where she worked, waving goodbye to her three friends standing about the office, then turned and left. 

“Alex, please let us help you,” John said pleadingly. “Come on, let  _ me  _ help you. I have been here for you since day one, and that’s not ever changing no matter what happens.”

“We are here,  _ mon ami _ ,” Lafayette said. 

Through the open door, Thomas stuck his head. “What’s going on in here?”

“John and Laf decided to hold an intervention,” Alex said pointedly. 

“Kind of stealing my idea, don’t you think?” Thomas raised his eyebrows. He leaned against the doorjamb, crossing one foot over the other and stuffing his hands in his pockets. 

“ _ Excusez-moi? _ ” Lafayette scoffed. 

“I wouldn’t call the half-assed meeting you threw together on Tuesday morning an  _ intervention _ , per say,” John rolled his eyes. 

“Well, I would,” Thomas shrugged. He looked at Alex who was sitting at his desk, gripping his pen a little too tightly and pressing it into the paper a little too hard. “Why don’t you two give Ham a break, huh? He obviously wants to be left alone.”

“Shut the fuck up, Jefferson!” John snapped at him.

“Actually, he’s right,” Alex said and Lafayette and John both looked to him in shock. “I need some peace and quiet. I have work to do.”

Thomas smirked. “Exactly.”

John glared at Thomas, “I hate you,” he hissed, before turning back to Alex and saying, “You’re still coming over tomorrow for dinner and birthday cake, right?” 

“Yes, of course,” Alex nodded and he smiled reassuringly. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

John smiled and nodded even though Lafayette looked unconvinced. 

“Happy birthday, John,” Alex said. “Have a great day, okay?”

John nodded. “Yeah. Thanks, Alex. See you tomorrow.”

“See you then,” Alex said and he watched John and Lafayette walk out together. 

Thomas stepped into the office and closed the door once they were gone. “Why don’t they have dinner and cake on his actual birthday instead of doing it tomorrow?” He asked. 

“On both of their birthdays they go home and have sex after work,” Alex explained nonchalantly. 

“That seems like a lot of sex,” Thomas raised his eyebrows. 

“From what I hear, yes,” Alex nodded. 

Thomas just shook his head slowly. “Okay, then.”

“Do you need something?” Alex asked. 

“Nope,” Thomas shook his head. “Just came to see what all the commotion was about.”   
  


“Oh, okay,” Alex said. “Well, see you later.”

“Will I?”

“I don’t know, will you?” Alex shrugged. 

“I don’t know,” Thomas tilted his head. “You’re the one who said it.”

“Well, maybe I will,” Alex shrugged again. 

“We don’t usually meet up or make plans to see each other,” Thomas said. 

“Well, no, because you suck and I don’t want to spend time with you,” Alex raised his eyebrows. 

Thomas snorted. “Okay, whatever, Hamilton. See you later —  _ maybe _ .” 

Alex rolled his eyes while Thomas waved and walked out the door. “The least you could do is close the door behind you, you damn bastard!” Alex called after him and he could hear Thomas laughing across the hallway. 

***

Eliza had a  _ lot  _ that had to be done before the end of the day, and the prescription she had for Charles Lee — the intern who had been seeing her for problems with anxiety for a few weeks — really didn’t have to be given to him until his appointment at the end of the day. But Eliza wanted an excuse to drop by the cubicles and see Maria, so she went to the desk by the elevators then stopped at the cubicles on her way back to her office. 

Maria was standing just outside her cubicle with Washington and a man who Eliza recognized to be Maria’s husband, James.  

“Oh, Dr. Reynolds,” Washington said, “this is the other psychologist who we’ve got on our floor that I’ve been telling you about.”

“Ah, Dr. Schuyler, right?” Reynolds grinned and reached out to shake Eliza’s hand. 

Eliza shook his hand and let go quickly. “Yes, that’s me,” she said with a tight smile. 

“So nice to meet you,” Reynolds said. “I’m very excited to be here. From what I’ve seen so far, everyone is very nice and everything is well in order here.”

“Mhm,” Eliza nodded. “Tell me, Dr. Reynolds, what made you decide to rent office space on a floor filled with lawyers, agents, and journalists?”

“Well, you do,” Reynolds shrugged. “What made  _ you  _ rent office space on a floor that deals with celebrity affairs and lawsuits?”

“Well, my sister is a journalist, my friend is a casting agent, and another friend of mine is a very important lawyer in this company,” Eliza said with her very best passive aggressive smile. “Not to mention, Mr. Washington has known my father for years. I think that’s enough to warrant coming to this floor, don’t you?”

“So you based your job off of your friends?” Reynolds raised his eyebrows. “That seems a tad foolish, don’t you think?”

“Not at all,” Eliza shook her head. “I like to be around good people, which any decent psychologist should agree is essential for good mental health.”

“I do agree with you on that,” Reynolds nodded. “And my wife works here,” he gestured to Maria, “so I suppose we do have the same logic, Miss Schuyler.”

“ _ Dr.  _ Schuyler, thank you,” Eliza corrected sharply. 

“Uh, Dr. Schuyler, perhaps you should be getting back to your office,” Washington frowned at her. “I need to show Dr. Reynolds to his office which is — uh — actually right next to yours.”

“Oh, how wonderful,” Reynolds said with a rather unconvincing smile. 

“Yes, lovely,” Eliza snapped. 

“Well, right this way,” Washington gestured for Reynolds to follow him and instead of going back to her office, Eliza hung back. 

“You shouldn’t pick fights with him,” Maria told Eliza, barely above a whisper. 

“I’ll be fine,” Eliza said. “If that bastard really thinks he can come here to watch over you like a hawk and steal  _ my  _ thunder — who does he think he is, really! He’s got another thing coming, I swear to god.  _ I  _ have won psychology awards,  _ I  _ am the youngest person to ever be voted the Number One Psychologist of the Year in New York! So if he thinks he’s going to come in here and —”

“ _ Eliza _ ,” Maria huffed. 

Eliza frowned. “Right. Sorry. How are you?”

“Terrible,” Maria sighed. 

“It’s okay,” Eliza said.

“Yeah, you keep saying that,” Maria said. 

“Because it’s true,” Eliza said. “Have you thought about what we talked about the other day?”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

Maria just frowned. 

“ _ Maria _ .”

Maria sighed. “I’m going to do it?”

Eliza raised her eyebrows. “Really? You’re serious?”

“Yes,” Maria nodded slowly. She looked into Eliza’s face with a serious look that made Eliza believe her. “I’m going to leave him, but I’ve got to find the right time to do it. You’ve got to let me take my time.”   
  


Eliza nodded. “Yeah, of course. You can do this, I know you can.”   
  


Maria nodded too. “Okay, well, I’ve got to get some work done.”

“Yeah, me too,” Eliza said. “See you later?”

“Yeah, see you,” Maria said. 

Eliza turned to head back to her office, but she stopped and turned back to face Maria. “You know I’m only trying to help you, right? You know I just want you to be safe, and when you leave him I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay with me forever. You do know that, right?”

Maria smiled and nodded. “Yes. I know. I love you, Liz.” 

“And I love you,” Eliza smiled back. They looked at one another for a while, wrapped up in a comfortable silence, and then without a word Eliza turned and went back to her office. 

***

Alex got up from behind his desk early in the afternoon and headed to the break room to get some coffee. It was empty when he walked in which he was grateful for. It had been a week, now, since the night at the club, but people still looked at him with pity whenever he walked by. 

It was quiet, the silence, broken only by the sound of coffee splashing into Alex’s cup, and then he heard a voice coming from the hallway: “Can you point me to the break room? I really need to get some water.”

Alex didn’t know what it was but something about that voice sent chills up his spine. He turned to see a man — a man he’d only ever seen once before — walk into the room. 

The man froze, looked Alex up and down, and then smiled lazily. “Well, isn’t this interesting?” 

“No,” Alex shook his head. “No, no, no.”

“Aw, Alexander, this is going to be so much fun,” the man chuckled. 

“What are you doing here?” Alex asked and he cursed the way his voice shook. “How did you find me?”

“I wasn’t looking for you, Alexander,” the man smirked. “I’m renting office space here.”

“No.”

“So now we can see each other.”

“No.”

“ _ Everyday _ .”

“NO!” Alex bolted for the door, but the man caught him by the wrist and Alex let out a sob. 

“You will not, under any circumstances, tell anyone about this,” the man said. “Because if I get in trouble, I’ll know exactly who to come after.”

“You’ll go prison,” Alex spat. 

The man yanked on his wrist, pulling him in very close, and he hissed, “But one day, I’ll get out of prison, and then I’ll know who to come after. Now, do we have an understanding?”

Alex tugged, trying to pull away, but the man just pulled him even closer. 

“ _ Do we have an understanding? _ ” 

Alex sobbed, but nodded quickly. 

The man grinned. “Good!” he said. He let go of Alex, pushing him away and watching him fall to the ground. He poured himself a cup of water and said, “See you around, Alexander,” then left the room without a backwards glance at Alex was keeled over on the carpet.

Alex’s breath quickened, faster and faster until he was hyperventilating, until his stomach was convulsing and he was scrambling for the trashcan. He was sobbing and his half-digested lunch was splashing into the bottom of the trashcan. 

He threw himself onto the ground, sobbing grossly, tears and snot running down his face. 

Eventually, he slowly got to his feet. Breathing shakily, he grabbed a napkin from beside the coffee pot and wiped his face off as best he could. He balled the napkin up and threw it away then leaned over the table and tried to catch his breath. 

He straightened up slowly after a long time, tried to steady his breathing. 

Alex walked out the door and it looked different, somehow, than before he had gone into the breakroom. He stumbled down the hallway, the world still spinning around him. 

This was it. He was giving it all up, he was throwing in the towel. He was admitting to John and Lafayette that yes, they were right, he needed help — and lots of it. 

He burst into Lafayette’s office to find it vacant. There was no sign of Laf or John, there weren’t any coats or phone chargers strewn about. Alex frowned deeply at the sight of the room. 

“Alexander?” Washington said curiously, stepping into the office. “What are you doing in here?”

“I — Lafayette,” Alex frowned. “I need to — to find Lafayette. Where are they? And John — John was here — where’s John?”

“Lafayette didn’t have a lot to do so they went home early with John for his birthday,” Washington explained. “I guess they forgot to lock their office. What do you need, Alexander?”

“I — I need —” Alex’s hands were shaking, his arms were shaking, and his legs were starting too. “Nothing,” he lied quickly. “Nothing. I don’t — I don’t need anything. Sorry, sir.”

“It’s — it’s okay?” Washington said, puzzled, while Alex bolted out of the office and down the hallway in the direction of his own office. “Alexander, are you okay?!” Washington shouted after Alex. 

“I’m fine!” Alex yelled back, but he wasn’t. He  _ raced  _ down the hallway, but instead of turning to his own office he turned to Jefferson’s. He didn’t knock, he just burst in and slammed the door behind himself, stumbling over and leaning over the desk. “Take me home.”

Thomas slowly looked up from his computer screen to find that Alex was not only leaning over his desk, but Alex’s hair was in absolute disarray and there were streaks on his cheeks and his eyes were red and puffy. “Wha—” 

“Take — me — home —  _ now! _ ” Alex hissed. 

Thomas sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, eyebrows raised. “And why should I?”

“This isn’t a fucking game, Jefferson.” Alex coughed first and then he began to sob again. “It’s not — I’m not okay! I’m not fine! I’ve told you — and you — just — it’s not a joke — just fucking take me home!” 

Thomas was frowning now, with a serious look in his eyes. He was quickly closing all of the documents on his computer and shutting it down. “Okay,” he said as he got to his feet, “okay, don’t worry, it’s going to be okay. We’re going. Come on, we’re going home.”

Alex tried to stand up when Thomas walked around the desk but his knees gave way. 

“Hey, hey, hey!” Thomas lunged forward and grabbed onto him, pulling him back to his feet and half-leading half-carrying a sobbing Alexander to the door. “Shhh, it’s alright,” he said soothingly and he managed to move to the elevators quickly and swiftly, drawing as little attention to himself and Alexander as possible. 

Thomas practically placed Alex in the passenger’s seat and buckled his seatbelt. “It’s going to be okay,” he whispered. He close the door and walked around to the driver’s seat thinking,  _ What am I doing? Why do I care so much? I am so royally fucked!  _

He slid into the driver’s seat, closed the door, buckled his seatbelt, and turned the car on in a flash. “It’s going to be okay,” Thomas said again, more for himself than for Alex because Alex had begun to whimper in a pained sort of way and Thomas was having flashbacks to the sight of Hamilton on the ground outside the bar. 

“Just take me home,” Alex said beneath his breath, “please.”

“I am, right now,” Thomas nodded. “We’re going to your apartment right now.”

“Not my apartment,” Alex said quickly.

Thomas frowned. “Where do you want me to take you, then? You said you wanted to go home.”

“Take me home,” Alex said again softly, curling up and letting his eyes fall shut. 

Thomas stared at him for a long time, unsure of what to do, but then he made a decision. He put the car into drive and set off.


	6. will you hold me now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gay shit goes down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter deals with a lot of mental stuff so lets say huge warning for PTSD and anxiety!
> 
> Alsoooo !! v sorry for not updating in so long. Make sure you read the note at the end of this chapter because its gonna have important stuff :))) at least important to me anyway!!
> 
> Enjoy ;)

"Okay, we're here," Thomas said gently when he opened the passenger side door. 

"Not my apartment," Alex murmured. 

"No, not your apartment," Thomas said. "I promise." 

"Home," Alex breathed. 

"Yes," Thomas said even though he still didn't know what Alexander meant by home if not his apartment. "Come on," he helped Alex get out of the car and onto his feet, "I've got you." 

Thomas led Alex through his own front door, tossing the keys onto a table. He brought Alex to the living room and tried to ease him down onto the sofa but Alex stopped him. 

“Where am I?” Alex frowned. 

“My house,” Thomas told him. 

Alex frowned a little deeper. “I want to go  _ home _ .” 

“You told me you didn’t want to go to your apartment,” Thomas put his hands on his hips. “I didn’t know where else to bring you.”

“I don’t want to go to my apartment.” Alex shook his head and, to Thomas’s surprise, he stepped toward him and leaned in, resting his head against Thomas’s chest. “ _ Home _ .” 

“What does that mean, Hamilton?” Thomas asked. 

“Home —” 

“Hamilton.”

“ — please —” 

“Hamilton.” 

“ —  _ home! _ ” 

“ _ Alexander. _ ” 

Alex stopped and looked up at Thomas, frowning. “Please.” 

“Where do you want me to take you, Alexander?” Thomas asked gently. “Tell me. Just tell me where you want to go and I’ll take you there.”

Alex stared at him for a while longer, still leaning against his chest, before he finally sat down on the couch and shook his head. “Never mind.”

“Do you want to stay here?” Thomas asked and Alex nodded. “Okay. I’m going to get you something to drink. I’ll be right back.” He went to the kitchen and filled a glass with ice and water. He was gone less than a minute but when he returned to the living room, Alex was on his feet, in tears again. “Alexander?”

“I — I can’t — I don’t know what to —” he was stammering senselessly. 

“Alexander? Look at me,” Thomas reached out to him.

“I —  _ need  _ — I can’t — please, I just want —” he shook his head and screamed in frustration.

“Sshhh,” Thomas soothed. “Alexander? Alexander, listen to me, okay? I’m going to hug you, okay?”

Alex was still looking around pointlessly, stammering out bits and pieces of sentences but never managing to string a full coherent thought together. 

Thomas frowned, but pulled Alex into a tight hug. 

Alex struggled against Thomas’s hold, but Thomas got close to Alex’s ear and said softly, “I know you’re scared, but listen to me, okay? I’m applying pressure to the most vulnerable parts of your body.”

“I — I — I  _ need  _ —” 

“I’ve got you, okay?” Thomas rubbed circles into Alex’s back with his hand. “I’ve got you, you’re safe. I promise you’re safe. I’m not going anywhere.”

Alex’s breath began to steady slightly, but just as soon as it evened out a little bit he began to sob. Tears streamed down his cheeks and huge sobs wracked his body until he was relying on Thomas to keep him standing. 

“Alexander, look at me,” Thomas said gently. “Can you do that for me? Can you just look at me? That’s all I need you to do.”

Alex, still heaving heavy sobs, looked up into Thomas’s face. He opened his mouth and tried to figure out what he needed to say, but no words came out and he stood there with his mouth hanging open. 

Thomas sighed before, on impulse, he closed what little gap there was between them and trapped Alex’s lips in a kiss.

Thomas knew what he was doing. He had a good, solid, logical reason to be kissing Alexander Hamilton. He could _not,_ however, logically explain why he kissed him deeply, why he kissed him as affectionately as he had kissed an of his past lovers, why he kissed him for so long. 

When he parted their lips slowly, Thomas drew in a deep breath before he asked, “Are you okay now?”

Alex stared at him for a long while, forehead crinkled in puzzlement. “No,” he said eventually, slowly shaking his head. “I’m not okay.”

Thomas nodded. “Yeah, I know. But you will be. One day.”

Alex tilted his head, “Why —”

“You should have a nice hot bath, I think,” Thomas said. “What do you say? Does that sound good?”

“Um,” Alex said and he nodded, “yeah.”

“Okay,” Thomas nodded. “Okay, come on.”

Thomas led Alex up the stairs, through his bedroom and into his bathroom. He grabbed a sweatshirt and pajama pants out of his dresser and left them folded on the counter beside the sink. 

Alex sat on top of the toilet seat cover, legs folded against his chest and arms wrapped around himself, and looked on as Thomas knelt down on the tile floor and filled the tub, adjusting the temperature and setting out some soap and shampoo. He tilted his head, watching the man — this man who was meant to be his enemy, meant to hate him — curiously. 

“Okay, there you go,” Thomas said when the tub was full as he turned the faucet off. He stood and looked to Alex, pointing to the slim door in the corner of the room, “Towels are in the linen closet. Clothes are on the counter of you want something comfortable to change into. And — uh — I think that’s it. Just come downstairs when you’re done, okay? I’ll be down there.”

Alex nodded wordlessly and Thomas turned to leave. He was halfway across his bedroom when he heard Alex say, “Thomas.”

“Yes?” Thomas turned back and poked his head into the bathroom. 

Alex was standing now. He was holding the sweatshirt that Thomas had set out for him, staring down at it. “Thank you,” he said in a very small voice. 

Thomas smiled. “You’re welcome. I’ll be downstairs.”

Alex nodded. “Okay.”

Thomas strode through his room and headed down to the kitchen. He leaned against the counter and heaved a heavy sigh, running his fingers through his thick hair. 

“What the  _ hell  _ was  _ that? _ ” he hissed at himself. 

He was shaken at the sight of Alex so broken and upset, and he was quite possibly even more shaken at how much he cared. 

He had  _ kissed him.  _ He had  _ kissed  _ Alexander Hamilton. It didn’t even make sense, it wasn’t even fully registering in his mind. He was just beginning to truly comprehend it when three loud knocks sounded at his front door. 

Thomas huffed and went to the door, pulling it open. “Oh, hi, James.”

“Again with the fucking phone, Thomas,” James raised his eyebrows. 

“Oh,” Thomas said slowly. “Er — yeah. Sorry about that.”

James rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay, whatever,” he said and pushed past Thomas, striding into his house. “What are you up to, Thomas? Why’d you leave work early without telling anyone? I thought Washington was going to have a cow.”

“Am I in trouble?” Thomas asked, heading back into the kitchen with James following at his heel.

“No, probably not,” James shrugged. “Hamilton disappeared, too, and Washington is going mad worrying about him.”

“Oh,” Thomas said shortly. 

“You’re not surprised that Hamilton just left work in the middle of the day?” James raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms. “Like, literally just left without telling anyone, didn’t lock his office, isn’t answering anyone’s calls or texts.”

Thomas shrugged, “You know.”

James tilted his head. “He’s here, isn’t he.” It wasn’t really a question. 

“Maybe,” Thomas shrugged again. 

James sighed, “Thomas, you’re getting involved. You’re going wind up in too deep.”

“He just needs someone to be there for him right now, that’s all,” Thomas shook his head. “He doesn’t want his friends to see him breaking, and I’m the one who found him in that alleyway so,” he looked down to his feet, “I guess that falls on me. To be there for him, I mean.”

James laughed. “Thomas, I don’t get you sometimes. You want everyone to think that you’re cold and heartless, that you don’t care, but you  _ do. _ ”

“I never told anyone to think of me the way they do,” Thomas shrugged. “Yeah, I care. I care about people, I have a  _ heart  _ and —”

“I already know,” James said. “You don’t have to tell me.”

Thomas nodded. 

“You care about him,” James said. 

“No, I don’t,” Thomas scowled. “I mean, maybe a little. But not really. He just needs someone right now, okay?”

James laughed again. “Yeah, okay.”

“Thomas?” Alex called from the top of the staircase. 

“Yeah?” Thomas called back. 

“Can you —” Alex paused for a moment. “Can you come here?”

Thomas frowned. “Yeah, I’ll be there in one minute.”

“I’ll go,” James mouthed, and Thomas nodded. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he whispered to Thomas before turning and leaving the house. 

Thomas drew in a deep breath then headed up the stairs. “What is it, Alexander?”

Alex held out a hair elastic, “Can you,” he gestured to his damp hair, “I tried — I just — my hands are shaking and —”

“Sshhh,” Thomas took the elastic from Alex and gently turned him. He pulled Alex’s hair into a messy bun then put one arm around him, “Come on. Let’s go downstairs, I’ll make tea.”

Alex nodded, going willingly wherever Thomas led him. 

Thomas gently pushed Alex down into a chair at the table in the kitchen before he moved to the stove and put a kettle on. 

“Thomas?” Alex said. 

Thomas turned and admired the way Alex looked in the pajama pants that were close to falling off of him and the sweatshirt sleeves that completely covered his hands. 

_ No.  _ Admired wasn’t the right word. He was — he was — well, he didn’t know, but he  _ wasn’t  _ admiring Alexander Hamilton!

“Yes?”

Alex frowned, “Why did you kiss me?”

Thomas crossed his arms and smirked. “Was it unpleasant?”

Alex narrowed his eyes at Thomas and elected not to answer that question. “How are you so good at — at all of this? It’s like you just — I don’t know — you know exactly what to do. Why is that?”

Thomas frowned, turning to the cupboards to get two mugs for the tea. “Erm,” he said in a small voice, “Martha. She had a — uh — anxiety disorder.”

Alex looked down at his hands. “Oh.”

“Pressure to the vulnerable parts of the body to slow the heartbeat and steady breathing,” Thomas said. “Hot shower or bath because it releases a natural chemical in the body to combat anxiety. Affection and tea because — well — it’s just soothing. I wasn’t exactly  _ sure  _ that it would all work the same on a PTSD episode as on an anxiety attack, but I hoped for the best.”

“Oh,” Alex said again. “Well, thank you.”   


Thomas looked over his shoulder and smiled. “You already thanked me. You don’t have to do it again. Now, how do you take your tea?”

“Cream and sugar,” Alex said. 

Thomas nodded, preparing their tea in silence. 

When he was done, he took the mugs and sat down beside Alex. “There you are,” he said and he wait for Alex to take a few sips before he spoke again. “Do you want me to call Lafayette and Laurens?”

“No,” Alex shook his head. “It’s John’s birthday. They’re celebrating.”

“Oh, is ‘celebrating’ the new code word for having sex?” Thomas chuckled, remembering their conversation from earlier, and Alex couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips. “What about Mulligan? You could call him — I don’t have his number.”

“No, I don’t want to bother him,” Alex shook his head, and Thomas recognized that as code for, “ _ I don’t want them to see me like this. _ ”

“Okay,” Thomas nodded and sipped his own tea deeply. 

“I can go home if you don’t want me here,” Alex said. “If I’m in your way, I’ll leave. But don’t call them. Any of them. They don’t need to deal with all my shit, they’ve got their own shit.”

“Yes, you’ve mentioned that once or twice, thanks,” Thomas nodded. “You’re not in my way. You can stay here tonight.”

Alex nodded slowly. “Thank you.”

“Stop thanking me,” Thomas said.

Alex looked at him for a while, then stared down at his mug of tea and took a long sip. 

“James,” Thomas begins without really thinking about it, “seems to think that I care very deeply for you. I think he might think I like you.”

“Like me or  _ like  _ like me?” Alex raised his eyebrows. 

“I can’t believe you just said that,” Thomas shook his head slowly. “Seriously. Are you in an eighties sitcom?”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Just answer the damn question.”

“I think he thinks that I  _ like  _ like you,” Thomas said. 

Alex snorted. “Well, that’s ridiculous.”

“Good, I’m glad that we at least agree on that,” Thomas nodded.

“I mean, you  _ can’t  _ like me like that,” Alex said. 

“Exactly! Thank you!” Thomas exclaimed. 

“Because —” Alex began. 

“You suck,” Thomas said at the same time that Alex said, “You’re straight.”

Thomas frowned, “ _ Excuse me? _ ”

“You’re straight,” Alex said again with a shrug. 

Thomas leaned back in his chair, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. “I’m bisexual, actually, but thank you for making assumptions,” his tone was mocking as he quoted what Alexander had said to him, word for word, almost a week ago when Thomas had referred to Alex as gay. 

Alex felt like this was a good time to roll his eyes dramatically and say something along the lines of, “Go fuck yourself.” Instead he smiled and did his best to bite back an amused laugh.

“I thought it was obvious,” Thomas said. 

“No, you’ve always come off as pretty straight to me,” Alex shrugged. 

“Oh,” Thomas said, sounding rather amused. “James and I dated for, like, a year and a half.”

“Huh, you don’t say,” Alex said. He tilted his head, deep in thought. “Yeah, I can see it, actually.”

“Yeah,” Thomas smiled. “So,” he said, “want to, like, watch a movie or something?”

Alex shrugged. “Yeah, why not? Let’s go.”

***

“Alexander,” Thomas hissed. “ _ Alexander. _ ”

“Hm?” Alex said, groggy and exhausted and barely awake. 

“I’m going to pick you up, okay?” Thomas said. 

“M’kay,” Alex said, too tired to question why he was going to do such a thing, and a moment later Thomas had one arm around his shoulders and the other hooked underneath his knees, and Alex was lifted off of the plush couch. He snuggled a little closer to Thomas’ chest as he was carried up the stairs, and if he’d been there in Thomas’ arms for very much longer he probably would have fallen back to sleep just like that. 

Thomas lowered Alex onto the bed in the guest room. He tucked him in snugly, brushing the tendrils of dark hair that had fallen from his bun out of his face. 

“Thank you,” Alex said tiredly for — what was this? The third time that day? Fourth?

“I’m putting your phone here on the table,” Thomas said, setting the cell down on the side table that stood beside the bed. “Goodnight, Alexander. Sleep well,” he said, then turned to leave the room. 

“Thomas?” Alex said. 

“Yes, Alexander?”

Alex hesitated a moment. He tried to open his eyes so he could look up at Thomas, but he was so tired and his eyes were so heavy. “Stay.”

“Alexander —” 

“ _ Please. _ ”

Broken. He was so broken, and Thomas could feel an actual physical pain in his chest as his heart cracked a little further down the middle. 

“Okay,” Thomas sighed as he crawled beneath the covers beside Alex. 

Alex curled up against Thomas, burying his face against his chest. “Thank you,” he said yet again. 

**“Yeah,” Thomas breathed, daring to put an arm around Alex. “You’re welcome.” **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok first of all!!! ViveLaRebellion drew some fanart for the scene in the previous chapter where Alex faces Reynolds in the breakroom and !!! it'll change your life, check it out http://winds-and-stardust.tumblr.com/post/153288924854 <3 seriously so amazing, still not over it!!
> 
> Second of all, this story has hit 100 subscriptions!!!! GUYS YOU ARE ALL SO AMAZING THNAK YOU SO MUCH!!!
> 
> ANd lastly !! I'm officially crazy obsessed with les mis,,,, like its only been about 3 or 4 days I think ?? since I watched it for the first time and I'm just so,,,i just,,,,ive already posted two enjolras/grantaire one shots if anyone is interested in les mis. I can't get over it, i'm too obsessed already. someone save me pls
> 
> right, well that is all. hope you liked this chapter and hopefully there will be more soon, I'm kinda engulfed in enjoltaire rn
> 
> all the love xx


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